Student Throws Pepper Shaker onto Balcony, Escapes Samsara

By Isaac Krone

April 20, 2014

Bartlett Dining Commons was the site of a strange occurrence last Tuesday, when third-year Bret Stevenson escaped samsara during the crowded dinner rush.

Bret was reportedly engaged in the popular game of “Pepper,” which involves flipping a disposable pepper shaker over various obstacles, with the intent of landing the shaker right-side up. If it does not land right-side up, the player loses. Few have ever progressed past the first few levels due to its difficulty, unpredictable physics of the loaded shaker, and a strict prohibition against playing the game more than once in a visit to the dining commons.

At about 7:55 p.m., Bret picked up the pepper shaker after the student next to him tried and failed to throw it over a napkin holder. His initial throw landed, and he attempted to throw the shaker over a napkin holder in both longitudinal and transverse directions, succeeding both times. He next flipped the pepper container end over end onto the adjacent table. His success in this endeavor was unprecedented, and elicited a jubilant cheer from those around him, drawing the attention of many others in the dining hall.

At this point, the crowd urged Bret to throw the pepper shaker from the dining area onto the track above. In response, Bret calmly tossed the spice receptacle upwards, and a student on the track ecstatically confirmed that it had indeed landed right side up.

What happened next is unclear. Some students claim that Bret simply disappeared, while others report seeing him ascend to a higher plane of existence. One student claims that where Bret originally stood “a void in reality appeared for a split second, and through it [he] peered into a universe beyond our own.” All students interviewed agreed that Bret had clearly achieved moksha, and was now free from the torments of birth, rebirth, and sensuous existence.

Sources close to Bret report that he was “cool, a real laid-back guy.” His transcendence is the first in University of Chicago history. At press time, several high-ranking officials at the University expressed their happiness for Bret, with the exception of Dean John Boyer, who has moved to the forest to live as an ascetic.