I Don’t Believe in Gay Marriage
By Morgan Pantuck
May 13, 2014
Look, I know this isn’t the “politically correct” thing to say these days, but I have to get something off my chest.
I don’t believe in gay marriage.
Now before you get all up in arms and start calling me “bigoted” or “homophobic,” I think you ought to listen to my side of the story.
I used to believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the fact that gay people occasionally marry one another. But when I was 8 years old, I snuck out of bed on Christmas Eve and saw my father placing presents underneath our Christmas tree. Then I saw him decorating a tasteful wedding invitation for “Michael and Dennis” and putting it in our mailbox. That’s when I knew—Santa Claus isn’t real, and neither are gay marriages.
You don’t believe me? Next time you think you see two women about to exchange vows at the wedding altar, look closer– you’ll find that the whole thing is made of chicken wire and papier-mâché.
I’m sure this is shocking and hard to accept, but facts are facts. I would love to live in a fantasy-land where my Hogwarts acceptance letter is coming in the mail and gay relationships are legally recognized by the government. But open your eyes to the truth! Gay marriages are simply not real marriages. Because they are imaginary. Like the Easter Bunny. And evolution.
I have a nephew, Christopher, who used to wake up screaming in the middle of the night because he was afraid of gay people getting married under his bed. But his parents got sick of hearing “THEY’RE GOING TO RUIN MY STRAIGHT MARRIAGE” and “THEY CAN’T EVEN REPRODUCE,” so they shone a flashlight under Chris’s bed and proved to him that there was nothing to fear. Chris admits that he still doesn’t like to leave his legs hanging off the edge of the bed in case a gay person mistakes it for a bouquet, but he’s sleeping much more soundly now.
I think we’d all be better off if we stopped pretending that gay marriage exists – if not for our own sakes, then for the children.
If this article has upset anyone, please remember that the University of Chicago is a forum forspirited debate and intellectual diversity, and that while we may not agree on certain topics, you absolutely must respect and publish other people’s absurd and illogical opinions.
