Candy Corn Neither

By Evan Bernstein

Oct. 21, 2014

A Chicago Shady Dealer exclusive investigation has revealed that the beloved Halloween treat is neither candy nor corn.

The classic late-October treat was exposed as an outright fraud by numerous inquiries to factories throughout the state of Illinois, as well as chemical analysis.

The Dealer conducted multiple interviews with personnel at several levels on the candy corn manufacturing chain – from assembly line workers to the President of a major candy corn concern. What follow are relevant transcripts from some of those interviews.

The Dealer sat down with Patrick O’Mulligan, a candy-corn assembly line worker in downstate Illinois.

Chicago Shady Dealer: “What’s up, bruh?”

Patrick O’Mulligan: “Just ‘laxin.”

CSD: “Yo, that’s chill.”

Patrick: “Yeah.”

CSD: “Describe, if you would, a normal day at work for you.”

Pat: “I clock in at seven, get dressed and get to the floor around 7:15.”

CSD: “Get dressed?”

Rick: “We have to wear protective suits, or else we’ll get radiation poisoning.”

CSD: “Candy corn is radioactive?”

Mully: “Um … have you tried it?”

In addition, The Dealer secured an interview with Cassius Mantle, President and CEO of KandyKornKompany, the Midwest’s largest candy corn producer.

CSD: “Good afternoon, sir.”

Cassius Mantle: “Please. Call me Sir Cassius.”

CSD: “Are you willing, right now, on the record, to tell The Chicago Shady Dealer what candy corn is made of?”

Sir Cassius Mantle: “Candy corn is a family treat. A wholesome snack. A downright American dessert. We here at KandyKornKompany™ are devoted to rendering children chaste and smiling. But I do have a confession to make – the name is a misnomer. Candy corn … it just tested well in marketing. But it’s not candy. It’s not corn.”

CSD: “What … what is it?”

Sir Cassius Mantle IV: “It is life. It is love. It is happiness. It is everything you’ve ever wanted and more. Submit to it. Submit to the candy corn. All hail the candy. All hail the corn.”

CSD: “All hail the candy. All hail the corn.”

Sir Cassius Mantle IV and CSD: “All hail the candy. All hail the corn. All hail the candy. All hail the corn. ALL HAIL THE CANDY. ALL HAIL THE CORN.”

At press time, you are a godless infidel who must submit to the one true candy. The one true corn.