Public School Kid Discovered in Student Body

By James Newton

Oct. 23, 2014

On November 30, the University of Chicago student body was finally completely purged of former public school students. Students and faculty breathed a collective sigh of relief on Saturday when Cassidy Banks, who had been hiding in the B-level for several months, was carried outside and placed in the trunk of an unmarked navy sedan by fourth-year Preston Buchanan.

“The burden upon our school brought forth by Common App and tyranny of affirmative action negated is!” said Buchanan at a press conference on Tuesday. “Rich money is heretofore the only money now. Students that aren’t prepped no more here shall be,” he continued.

The event was organized by the Elite Action Division of the University’s Institute of Politics (IOP), whose mission statement calls for the annihilation of “riff-raff, freeloaders, and uglies” from the UChicago student body.

The press conference was also attended by President Robert Zimmer. Questioned regarding the disappearance of a financial aid-dependent student, Zimmer said, “another sixty grand, baby. Another sixty grand.”

There has been some discontent among students, as the Organization of Somewhat Less Privileged Students (OSLPS) — many of whom could only attend prep schools thanks to scholarships — picketed the IOP’s press release.

The group will hold a candlelight vigil in Hutchinson Courtyard, “featuring cheap champagne and questionably sourced hot dogs as show of solidarity to our poorest brethren,” according to the Facebook event.

OSLPS president Benny Appleseed said the event would be “a real rager.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” continued Appleseed, “we’re all really torn up about Cassidy. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun and send a message at the same time. Want to see a chalk drawing I did?”

When asked about the protests, Buchanan said, “New money is as new money qua new money does. Elite action to be taken nevertheless shall be forthwith.”