Study Finds Most Men Would Be Gay if it Weren’t for the Penis

By Chris Deakin

Oct. 24, 2014

According to joint working group of New York University neurologists and sociologists, almost 98% of men claim that they would engage in all manner of homosexual activity if not for the fact of the penis. The results come after two years of research, which included both surveys and psychological tests conducted on 200 men representing a broad spectrum of racial, ideological, and sexual affiliations.

Participants unanimously answered in the affirmative that they could imagine a world in which they felt love and sexual attraction for another male. While two percent clarified that they already very much live in this world, the remaining men were asked to name the specific barriers separating them from full-bore homosexuality. “The penis” was not only the most common but the only response given by the entire sample group.

“Initially, I said, ‘no way, we’re as straight as taut strings,’” said lead researcher Phillip Fleischart. “Then I thought about it for a little bit and realized that really, the only thing standing between us and the gay love of our life is what hangs off the front. It’s just kind of, I dunno, floppy.”

Participants described the offending organ as “penis-like,” “penis-esque” and “penis-ful.”

Some also claimed the penis was too “testicular,” though researchers conjectured that these subjects were in fact referring to the testicles.

As part of the study, men were subjected to a combination of electrocardiogram (EKG) monitoring and functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans. When shown pictures of male backs and posteriors, fMRI results predictably revealed high levels of activity in the prefrontal cortex, known to researchers as the brain’s “gayborhood.”. As soon as those same photographs were reversed, revealing penis and all, gay signals were overwhelmed by activity from the hippocampus, responsible for primal reflexive reactions to “weird hot dog things with hair and veins,” in Fleischart’s words.

Asked whether these findings inspired hope, Fleischart remained diplomatic. “While this is great news for the gay science, we should keep our expectations realistic. We can remove the penis, but in the end we may not like the alternative.”