News in Brief: November 27 (Happy Thanksgiving)
By Chicago Shady Dealer
Nov. 27, 2014
New Police Handbook Instructs Officers to Close Their Eyes, Spin Around Three Times Before Shooting
An update to a national police best practices guide will instruct that “officers employing deadly force must close their eyes and spin around three times before discharging their service weapons,” according to a draft of the update obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer. The manual further requires officers to “make all reasonable efforts to ensure that officer-initiated shootings do not target any particular person or group of people.”
The update comes on the heels of a national controversy regarding officer-involved shootings across the country, the victims of which have almost exclusively been members of marginalized groups. “With this new policy, we are ensuring that police shootings are distributed fairly among everyone within the range of the officer’s weapon at the time he or she decides deadly force is necessary,” explained Department of Justice spokesperson Savannah Nygaard. “We want to change the perception that, when an officer decides to shoot someone, that person was necessarily singled out as a target of violence.”
Advocates for victims of officer-involved shootings lauded the changes. Just last week, my son was shot by a CPD officer for no reason whatsoever,” said Chicago resident Marianna Fields, who is black. “I’m glad to know that with this new policy, the person getting shot for no reason whatsoever would have been chosen by an impartial process.”
Officers who participated in a pilot implementation of the policy gave it mixed reviews. “I appreciate that it’s important to make sure we’re not being discriminatory when we shoot someone during the course of our duties,” said Chicago Police Sergeant Brent Matthews. “But in practice it doesn’t work so well. Often when I close my eyes and spin around three times, I realize that there was no reason to shoot the guy in the first place, and then I’m just standing there looking silly.”
Nation’s Sex Shops Prepare for Transition from Thanksgiving to Christmas
It’s that time of year again. The air is chilly. The family is coming home.
“Anyone who knows anything about the sex circuit understands that the fall of the Thanksgiving moon marks the end of the ‘sex-for-mutual-pleasure’ cycle and ushers in the period of concentrated stimulation,” local Bang-Hut™ operator Michelle Stamper explained. “The former encourages an egalitarian, communicative approach to love-making. The latter just focuses on touching the man’s gouch.”
Sex Shops around the country have anticipated the ritualistic change and are adjusting accordingly. “We stock a lot less of the pointy ones and more of the buzzy ones,” Stamper’s store-clerk clarified.
Despite these shake-ups in the market, many dedicate area sexers still hold generally negative opinions about this unalterable, age-old tradition. “Nothing feels good down there after we carve the Thanksgiving bird,” a local sex-having-man complained. “I fucking hate Christmas fucking.
Though it is unclear how these cyclical changes became intertwined with Christianity, local residents each year eagerly await the arrival of Good Friday, bringing with it the resurrection of Christ and orgasm.
Obama Immigration Plan Gives Amnesty to 300 Million Americans
President Obama last week announced a controversial immigration plan that promises to grant amnesty to over 300 million Americans living in the country illegally. The President promised to take executive action to protect the vast majority of Americans who still face deportation despite having taken jobs, paid taxes, raised families, established cultures, oppressed cultures, and been elected to office in the United States.
In a televised address last Thursday, President Obama made an emotional appeal, stating, “These are people who embody American ideals. They’re your friends and neighbors. They’re your brothers and sisters. These are people who risked everything to leave their homeland and escape the religious oppression of the British Empire, and though this has not always been their land, it sure as hell is now.”
The plan is controversial among House and Senate Republicans, who claim the executive action is a vast overstep of the President’s constitutional authority. Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell said the plan would allow America to be “overrun with immigrants” and would “undermine core American values.”
When asked about the financial feasibility of the President’s plan, a senior White House official commented, “Who fucking knows? He was working without a script up there. Didn’t tell any of us a thing beforehand. Just be glad he didn’t declare war on Nigeria.”
