5 Easy DIY Thanksgiving Recipes

By Sam Taylor

Nov. 28, 2014

Spending too much time slaving away in the kitchen this Thanksgiving? Holiday stress bogging you down? Do your eroding lips scream out for the thirst-quenching milk of the moisturizing agent ChapStick? If so, try these five easy time-saving recipes to spice up your holiday season!

1. Classic American ChapStick Feast – A new twist on an old favorite, this Thanksgiving staple is sure to please your guests and fill all of their bodies’ vacuous cavities with malleable, hole-plugging indigestible ChapStick.

Ingredients: 1000 sticks of ChapStick (Any Flavor)

Step 1: Completely unscrew all of the ChapStick from their tubes.

Step 2: Place all sticks in a giant pot.

Step 3: Melt those suckers down!

That’s it! You’re ready to serve a true foodie favorite! Serve hot as a warm, soupy stew that will completely destroy all of your guests’ tubes. Or, let it cool into a brick– similar to those that make up houses!

2. The Fur Log – A hearty, meaty main course with a luscious, moisturizing gloss finish.

Ingredients: 1 Stick of ChapStick (Any Flavor), The Thanksgiving Dog (German Shepard Flavor)

Step 1: Summon the ChapStick from its protective exoskeleton. Discard the fragile bone-shell, leaving only the rich fruity marrow.

Step 2: Roll the uncooked ChapStick down the full length of the Thanksgiving Dog’s back. Repeat until completed coated with fur.

Step 3: Slice the Fur Log into thin discs.

All done! Now, slip the discs into the mouths of your friends and family while they sleep on your furniture. They MUST swallow them. Happy Holidays!

3. The Skim – A light, fun, between-course dish that helps cleanse the pallet and stimulate digestion.

Ingredients: ChapStick (Flavorless)

Step 1: Apply flavorless ChapStick to your lips.

Step 2: Apply flavorless ChapStick to everyone else’s lips.

Step 3: Wait for all the flavorless ChapStick to dry.

You’re ready to enjoy! In an orderly fashion, allow everyone to gently nibble the dried ChapStick off of your lips. Be sure to return the favor! Once everyone has supped from your gums, demand that they return the Skim. Happy Thanksgiving!

4. Chafe Tar-Tar – This dish is the absence of ChapStick.

Ingredients: —————–

Step 1: Do not apply ChapStick

Step 2: L

5 . Dad’s Secret Surprise – Oops! You’re a Dad and you let things get a little bit too loosey goosey this Thanksgiving by “kissing too many other people” or by “smooching others.” Better cover up those sweet sinful tastes with the even sweeter silk of brand name ChapStick.

Ingredients: Bad Dad, ChapStick (Any Flavor 😉

Step 1: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh