‘Twas the Night Before Finals

By Teddy Zamborsky

Dec. 8, 2014

T’was the night before finals and all the through the dorm

Not a student was stirring, trying to keep warm

The papers were done, written without a real care

Hoping that the math curve would really be fair

Housemates were nestled, two to a bed

With visions of Zimmer dancing in their heads

With my floormate in a t-shirt and I in much less

We had just come to my room to “relieve some stress”

When out on the Midway there arose such a clatter

She hopped off of me to see what was the matter

We threw on some clothing to cover our skin

And jumped out the window to Housing’s chagrin

The moon and the blue lights gave the scene a glow

So we could see something amidst falling snow

And right before we were going to take a hike

We saw old Dean Boyer on his shiny bike

The old man moved so nimbly and fast

And proof of the legend was coming at last

And with him soon his spirits came

And he whistled and mumbled and called them by name

“Now Plato! Now Sagan! Now Homer and Rosseau!

On Friedman! On Fermi! On Becker and Foucalt!

Through the tunnel to the center of the quad

Hurry up with me, my ghostly squad”

And as the snow began to spin around

They took to the sky without a sound

So up to dorm windows the whole group flew

With a sack full of grades and some coffee grounds too

And they threw grades through windows, we saw what they do

An A- on that Sosc paper and A in calc too

And as were turned ourselves around

Up flew Dean Boyer without a sound

Dressed in doctoral garb, he pressed his finger to his lips

Telling the two of us to keep ours zipped

He reached into the bundle he had on his back

And pulled out some for us from his wondrous sack

The grades–how they twinkled and sparkled like brass

We now knew that the two of us would both pass

His little lips curled into a weird looking bow

And off he left us in the still falling snow

We watched as they flew off into the night

Following his travels with all our eyes’ might

We watched as he flew to dorms ‘neath the stars

Except to Broadview, for that was too far

As we turned and headed back to our house

Where everyone was still as calm as a mouse

And we climbed up the stairs to our collegiate abode

Hoping to finally take off a load

When we got to the room we saw this was not so

As we could see Boyer again from our window

He was giving grades and coffee to all of our friends

So that they might be OK when this quarter ends

And he pulled up his bike and gave his squad a whistle

And they all flew off faster than a ballistic missile

As he went we heard him say with a shake

“Happy Finals to all and to all a good break!”