If You Die in the Med, You Die in Real Life

By by Vice President for Safety and Security Marlon Lynch

Dec. 30, 2014

Wow. I think something fucking crazy happened under the Reg once. I know your professors would never breathe a word about it in class, but I can tell they’re hiding something. Their faces betray them whenever they walk by that statue of old Hutchinson’s giant bronze scrotum.

This place is messed up, man. Trust me. Totally messed up. For example, have you even seen all those white vans around campus? I don’t know what “Aramark” means – maybe like some kind of medical service to convert red stick humans into starfish? Wouldn’t surprise me if they just prowled around the school with food to give to kids. Perverts! Nowhere is safe. I swear to God the Russian government was behind the invasion of Crimea. God damn you Vladimir Futon!

Apes are a problem as well. I don’t know what their angle is, but they are DEFINITELY not quite human. They do not know what shoes are. Why doesn’t anyone discuss this treachery? Is the Dealer the only one brave enough to give a voice to the exposers of truth? Is Wall Street covering it up? Oh, I know who controls Wall Street! They’re all wealthy people!! Don’t bother asking me by what conspiracy Wall Street came to be controlled by all wealthy people. I don’t know everything. They’re probably gonna get me for reporting this. Sure, everyone seems all cute and innocent, but I think they want to kill me! ISIS, that is. Please don’t leave me alone with them. I don’t trust ISIS.

Oh, what is the point? You take the Red Line, you stay in Chicago; you take the Blue Line, you also stay in Chicago. It’s true. There is no escape. And if you die in the Med, I swear to fucking God, you die in real life.