Kentucky Derby Ends in Catastrophe

By Dan Lastres

Feb. 2, 2015

LOUISVILLE MAY 18, 2218 — Disaster struck yesterday at the 344th annual Kentucky Derby when one of the galloping equine cyborgs malfunctioned and exploded just 30 seconds into the race. The horse, Axis of Upheaval, had been cybernetically modified, as is standard practice for race horses.

Upheaval was a 3-year-old thoroughbred augmented with jet propulsion modules in his rear hooves, optical implants, and a Nitrous-Oxide booster. Scientists and veterinarians are still trying to determine the cause of the explosion from the wreckage and viscera. But because Upheaval passed pre-race inspection without giving any cause for concern, many have suggested his crash was caused by an act of sabotage.

The explosion immediately ignited the oil slick left by frontrunner California Google Chrome, and the resulting fire destroyed two more horses, Bob’s Your Operating System, and Wall-F.

According to scientists, the smoke from the fire is also the best possible explanation for the total failure of Judas Secretariat’s navigational implant, which led him to collide with horses Windows 9 and Horse, who were in 7th and 8th place, respectively. Windows 9, a refurbished early 21st century model, still operated on a combination of volatile fossil fuels, liquid metal batteries, and sugar cubes if he behaves. The explosion from his fuel tank destroyed all the other horses except for the equine cyborg in last place, Bringing up the Gear.

Despite being the only remaining racer and having an easy shot at victory, Bringing up the Gear stopped dead in her tracks. Her techno-jockey, Alonzo McCreary, described what happened next:

“After all that fiery destruction, I knew right away that she wouldn’t keep racing. She was so spooked by it that her half-horse half-robot brain achieved sentient awareness of its own mortality. Then she bucked me off, thanked me for the good times and the bad, and walked off the racecourse standing up on her titanium spring-loaded hind legs.”

“Horse racing has enjoyed a rich history of attracting society’s most upright and proper citizens,” said Derby promoter Edgar Wyatt in a press conference immediately following the clean-up of the racecourse. “Thus it is practically unthinkable that an act of sabotage caused Axis of Upheaval to malfunction or set off the many tragedies that unfolded thereafter.”

Despite Wyatt’s strong claims, he did not respond to claims from PETACH, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal-Cyborg Hybrids, who are calling on the Derby to go back to pre-2075 rules that allow only for the use of chemical steroids and genetic modification on competing thoroughbreds.