Obama Library to Replace South Side

By Evan Bernstein

March 1, 2015

Representatives of the Barack Obama Foundation announced Sunday that they have made their recommendation to the President, and that the President has made his decision regarding the location of the Obama Presidential Library. In a press release touting the area’s struggling businesses, falling house prices, and high crime rate, the Foundation lauded the University of Chicago’s plan to have the library replace the city’s South Side.

In a statement released by his office, University President Robert J. Zimmer praised Obama’s decision, claiming it would “reinvigorate and revitalize the struggling communities on the South Side of Chicago by replacing said communities with a big, big library.”

The statement cited numerous studies which show that, by locating the library over the South Side, literacy rates in the area will rise, crime rates will drop to almost zero, and government-sponsored programs will increase by an infinite percentage.

Questioned regarding the decision, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said, “The President is committed to reducing the number of poor neighborhoods, one way or another.”

Although a date has not yet been set to commence construction, analysts expect it to be an enormous undertaking, one that will create thousands of temporary jobs. The project is also expected to displace thousands of South Side residents.

Informed by the The Shady Dealer that her community would play host to the library, South Side local Satori Brown responded, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel said at a press conference that he is “looking forward to working with the foundation to improve conditions on the South Side. Big glass windows, lots of parking, VIP seating areas—the whole deal.”

The University of Chicago has not yet made a statement regarding its future, although with the design for the library encompassing the entirety of Chicago’s South Side, including the University’s home of Hyde Park, it appears the University may have to relocate. Maybe to Miami. At press time, The Dealer hopes it moves to Miami.