Will Punching Through The Glass Ceiling Harm My Unborn Fetus?
By Glinda
April 28, 2015
Dear Glinda,
I’m five months pregnant, and glowing with happiness. I’m also an associate analyst at McKinsey, and I’m so close to getting a promotion. But I’m worried–will punching through the glass ceiling hurt my unborn fetus?
–Pregnant in a Power Suit
Dear Power Suit,
I so feel you on this! Since becoming pregnant I’ve cut my wine intake to Today Show levels. I’ve sucked the oil out of every fish from my backyard pond, and they are very grateful. I’ve stopped having sex with my husband so I won’t end up double pregnant. I’ve told my friends to stop recreationally punching me in the stomach. But there is one danger I remain concerned about: if I smash through the glass pane that relegates me to second-class corporate status, could the impact hurt my unborn fetus?
I know the science behind this, in that I know there is science involved here. Seeing as that is the extent of my knowledge, I’ve reached out to the people I love, trust, and fear for their advice. When my mother was pregnant with me, she abstained from working altogether. I can only assume this was for my own good and not a result of the multitudes of men in suits who visited every night with flowers.
My congressman said that women naturally develop a Kevlar-like covering on the uterus to protect the fetus before the egg is laid during the second trimester. This protects it from most stab wounds and liberal values, but only so long as it is revitalized with prayer every Sunday.
My midwife recommended I avoid all glass while pregnant. Seeing my own reflection could horrifically amplify the unborn fetus’ egocentrism. If this happens, my fetus might be led down a path of hubris that will end in a tragic reversal of fortune which may or may not involve matricide, so better safe than sorry!
My doctor was unavailable for comment, but one night, in a dream, my fetus told me, “I’ll be fine, Mom! You better catapult through that glass ceiling! You’re gonna need more than the chump change you’re earning now to pay my way through private schools and an expensive fencing hobby!”
So I’m not really sure. Guess I’ll take maternity leave and see if my employer fires me before I come back.
Love,
Glinda
