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May 26, 2015
Study: Fear of Snakes “Totally Reasonable”The fear of snakes is a completely sensible reaction to environmental factors, including extreme fucking deadliness and terrifying goddamn slithery noisesResearchers at Johns Hopkins University reported in a study released today, tThe fear of snakes is a completely sensible reaction to several environmental factors, including extreme fucking deadliness and terrifying goddamn slithery noises, a herpetology rResearch team at Johns Hopkins University reported in a study released today.
“Snakes are petrifyingterrifying,” said herpetologist Sandeep Krishnamurthy, Hopkins’ Distinguished Professor of Herpetology and head of its newly established Department of Snake Defense. “Snakes can bite you to death, squeeze you to death, envenom you, poison you, swallow you whole, swallow your friends and family—it’s like motherfucking Jurassic Park, only with snakes, and in real life, instead of in some bullshit movie. Snakes can crawl up in you and push you around like a weird little hand puppet. If you see a snake, run away, or don’t, because it’ll catch up to you anyway.Snakes are fas Snakes are faster than cars”
Citing a recent incident in which large groups of snakes swam upstream from Florida as far north as Washington, D.C., Krishnamurthy suggested snakes were growing more intelligent, perhaps with an eye to world conquest.
“What’s next?” Krishnamurthy asked. “Snakes driving cars, snakes flying planes. Snakes taking our jobes. Snakes managing our economy. Snakes in the sewers, coming up through the pipes in your house while you’re enjoying a little quiet time with /Newsweek/ or the Sears catalog. Snakes biting you to death. You’ll be bitten to death by a snake, on the butt. They have special butt venom. Snake Bbutt Ddeath eath by buttThe death is slow and painful.”
“Snakes,” he concludedadded,, in a tone of subdued hysteria.At press time, even spaghetti was looking suspect.
