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May 26, 2015
Many people are ashamed of their sexual preferences, but it’s 2015. Fetishes that were once thought of as “unusual,” “disturbing,” or “very very inappropriate for brunch” are becoming more and more common. Often, people live their whole lives with a secret sexual fixation that they’re too embarrassed about to share, but if more people open up, soon everyone will discover that their peers have the same exact sexual fascinations. A recent study revealed the American population’s nine most common fetishes:
(9): A semi-sadomasochistic relationship with ice, where a person craves feeling completely frozen and dependent on the cold, solidified water around them. They remain immersed in the ice until they decide the tables have turned. Now the ice is weak and the person is dominant. The person, by force of body heat and sheer will alone, melts the ice around them to a pleasing liquid.
(8): A fetish where a person desires to go into the woods and spend a significant amount of time alone (multiple weeks). Their first taste of animal contact is hundreds of bugs and small insects crawling on them. They know it’s gross but can’t help feeling extremely aroused knowing they’re being touched and appreciated.
(7): A really specific foot fetish where the person LOVES feet but HATES toes. They get right up to the edge thinking about the ball and heel of a foot but then they see a bit of toe cleavage and all feeling is gone. They’re now more disgusted than ever.
(6): A fetish where a person can have sex normally, but must maintain intense eye contact with a childhood doll and/or teddy bear the whole time. If eye contact is broken, all hope of physical satisfaction is lost. And boy, does the teddy bear know it.
(5): A person who gets off on the thought of wallpaper alone
(4): Someone who can only cum when they hear the intense and very stimulating voice of a high-stakes auctioneer.
(3): A fetish for thrill-seekers: Roller-coasters? Uh-uh. Bungee jumping? No. Swimming with sharks? Try harder. Try an F5 Tornado ripping through the homes of everyone you’ve ever loved or cared about, literally creating a new path for a judgment-free future. Imagine having your clothes torn off your body, not by choice or by some handsome oiled-up Calvin Klein model, but by the unstoppable winds of a stovepipe “wedge” tornado moving through Binger, Oklahoma in the summer of 1981. Every detail of the following quote from the often-cited Wikipedia page “Tornado” seems to describe the process of amazing sex: “Initially, the tornado has a good source of warm, moist inflow to power it, so it grows until it reaches the ‘mature stage’. This can last anywhere from a few minutes to more than an hour, and during that time a tornado often causes the most damage, and in rare cases can be more than one mile (1.6 km) across.” Sounds like my idea of a perfect evening! A tornado is intrinsically both phallic AND vaginal, so everyone’s a winner. Wanna spice things up? Go on a lake vacation and experience the dripping intensity of a waterspout. Or try the hot, wild, and naughty adventure of a dust devil. But a classic honeymoon requires a full-time move to the midwest. Feeling like a bit of an exhibitionist? The more sex you have with tornadoes, the more likely you are to be featured as an extra on the always-popular, always-pornographic Discover Channel Storm Chasers. Don’t just frightfully hump away all night in a basement or storm cellar like a bunch of nervous tweens. Take it outside and let all the erotic energy of the twister twist YOU.
(2): Like seasonal allergies, but seasonal attraction: A fetish for the changing colors of fall leaves and autumnal vegetables (ie: pumpkins and other squash). Only horny three months out of the year, in hibernation the rest of the time.
(1): A fetish not dissimilar to a love of hot wax being poured on the body but entirely different due to the fact that the person craves to become a birthday cake in the most physical way possible. They crave to be beaten (eggs), whipped (cream), dipped in melting chocolate (first class aphrodisiac if you didn’t know), then iced and frosted, then placed in an oven at 450º, then topped with burning candles while a circle of people in party hats sing “Happy Birthday” while staring at them intently. They collectively blow the candles out and make wishes until the fetish-haver achieves a delicious orgasm in celebration of a new year. This is what aging is all about.
