Practical Guide to Being a Fuckboy

By Juan Caicedo

Oct. 16, 2015

Perhaps you first heard about fuckboys from a parent, coach, or pastor. You may have seen one passing by in the hallway, one hand secure on a vape pack and the other’s thumb indiscriminately swiping right on Tinder until engorged from overuse. You might even know a fuckboy yourself. In any case, read the guide below if you have any serious interest in becoming one. If followed diligently and patiently, these six simple steps will make you a fuckboy within months:

1. Decorate appropriately. The fuckboy life is all about image, and you should project the right one. Suggested dorm posters include Fight Club, Pulp Fiction, Megan Fox bent over a car, and Bob Marley smoking a sick spliff.

2. Make aggressive eye contact with yourself in a mirror during masturbation. If possible, film this and masturbate to the video later. Repeat this to as many levels of self-love as necessary. Only in this way can you develop the level of narcissism conducive to the fuckboy lifestyle.

3. Dress the part. Clothing only matters in one respect: how much can it show off that body you’ve worked so hard on? Solid color V-necks are a good option, but shirtless is an even better idea. Whenever possible, soak your clothes in Axe body spray to sculpt them against those well-earned muscles.

4. Take every woman in your life and ask yourself, “Would I fuck her?” If the answer is no, cut all contact; mothers are no exception. If the answer is yes, then you must make your intentions known as early and often as possible. Provide dick pics liberally so that women understand that you have a penis and are willing to employ it to their benefit. A dick pic can never hurt your odds. It can only improve them.

5. CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

6. On a spring morning when Jupiter is in the third house and Mars lies under the Sun’s aspect, you must go out into the woods and slaughter a one-eyed dog. Bury this dog. Over its grave you must turn three times to the west and once toward the east. As the sun rises, strip naked. The light is flowing over you, transforming you into something beautiful. Reach out. Feel the moment. Listen to the sparrow trill its unrepentant song toward the virgin day, and then take a dick pic. Congratulations, you are now a fuckboy.