Used Tissue Re-evaluated
By Morgan Pantuck
Oct. 19, 2015
According to eyewitness reports, area flu-victim Walter Atkins was forced to re-evaluate the feasibility of continuing to blow his nose into a tissue that he had already used previously. Atkins, 22, was sitting in the middle of lecture and attempting to write down the essential components of Marx’s critique of capitalism when a small trickle of snot began to drip sensuously down the left side of his face. Atkins quickly realized that he was out of new tissues and scraps of toilet paper, and so reached down hesitatingly into the moist cavern of his jacket pocket in order to retrieve a soiled one. The tissue in question, while damp and folded, still retained some surface area that appeared reasonably absorbent for the purposes of declogging nasal passages.
“What are the pros and cons
“What if I wipe the snot on my jacket sleeve?” he continued, weighing the options while those sitting next to him continued to lean away in horror.
“If only Ajeya wasn’t sitting so close by,” Atkins thought, in reference to the girl he’s been trying to flirt with for several weeks. “She already probably thinks its gross that I only shower two or three times a week.”
“Shit,” Atkins added, realizing that a tickling sensation in his schnoz had suddenly grown past the point of no return and that his immune system was quickly barreling towards a full-fledged sneeze. The undergraduate then grew wide-eyed, braced himself for impact, and sprayed viscous fluid all over the classroom.
At press time, Atkins was running to the restroom with his hand firmly clasped over his nose, and his viral particles were gleefully coming into contact with the mucous membranes of six of his fellow students.
