Lactose Intolerance No Longer Allowed on Campus
By Ryan Fleishman
Oct. 31, 2015
Last Thursday, Dean Boyer and his fellow rulers of The University of Chicago
The Anti-Anti-Lactose Law, as the people on the streets call it, has already begun to show its effect on the community. Reports of lactose-intolerance has reached a record low for the university, and lactose products are feeling much safer in the hands and mouths of tolerant students. Products ranging from the dining hall cheese slices to the pepperoni pizza Lunchables are no longer worried about entering a digestive system programmed to discriminate against their kind.
“I’m happy that the university has finally made a move to protect foods and beverages like me.” says a glass of 2 percent milk from the Cathey Dining Commons, “Now, I don’t have to worry about causing excessive flatulence when entering a human’s digestive system.”
Marlon C. Lynch and has sworn that his UCPD officers will actively crack down on lactose-intolerance across campus. According to Marlon, people caught perpetrating acts of intolerance against lactose will be put on housing probation at the least, and must go through a mandatory 6-week course on respecting food groups. Marlon says, “Every slice of cheese deserves to be put on a sandwich, and every glass of milk deserves to strengthen the bones of our worthy students.”
A small but vocal counter-movement towards the Anti-Anti-Lactose Law has formed in the campus underground, where rebel students consume soy milk and shun grilled cheese. These meta-societal Stoics refuse to acknowledge the new law, as they believe it violates their rights to dislike whatever food they want. When asked about his thoughts, local rebel Charlie Lucas said, “I don’t like cheese, it makes me queasy. Is that such a crime? Next thing you know, The Man is gonna tell me to eat my vegetables before dessert.”
Complaints have also surfaced from the cheese whiz and American cheese associates, who are not considered cheese but cheese product and therefore not protected by the law.
Regardless of the opposition, the university has no intention of revoking the Anti-Anti-Lactose law. From now on, all students must learn to accept lactose as an irreplaceable staple of humanity’s diet and a part of what makes The University of Chicago great.
