Donald Trump Announces Presidential Victory

By Reed Thurston

Nov. 11, 2015

In a shocking turn of political events, presidential candidate Donald Trump announced at a press hearing last friday that he has pre-emptively won the race for the 2016 Presidential Election. Beating both the party nominations and primary elections by almost a year, Trump told the press that campaigns were “for chumps, not Trumps,” and that he has chosen to win the Presidency without one. Surprising Democrats and Republicans alike, Trump’s choice to bypass the election and instead take a seat at the head of the oval office without any prior authorization or official recognition whatsoever, has been called a “bold move” by many leading political analysts. Responding to the news of this unexpected victory, Republican running opponent Jeb Bush was quoted saying, “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier,” shortly before dropping out of the race. Explaining that “It looks like the game has been called early on this one,” senior political analyst for FOX News Brit Hume claimed that the rest of Trump’s remaining running opponents on both the left and right had better come up with a strong stunt to counter Trump’s announcement if they have any hopes of swinging the election before Trump’s inauguration, slated for this Saturday night atop Trump Tower in Chicago, IL.

The now-former incumbent President Barack Obama, who returned to the U.S. from a diplomatic meeting in Iran just two days after Trump’s sudden victory, was last sighted reportedly eating from a can of cat food beneath an overpass in southeast Delaware.