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Jan. 22, 2016
After several decades of substantial inflation, a recent study sponsored by the United States Department of Education (DOE) recently confirmed that the grades at Harvard University have finally popped.After several decades of substantial inflation, the United States Department of Education (DOE) recently published a study confirming that the grades at Harvard University have finally popped
Grade inflation began in the 1960s, when 7% of undergraduates earned grades of A- or higher, as opposed to 41% percent in 2016, and 99% last year. Finally, in 2030, 100% of the student body at Harvard achieved a 4.0 GPA. Grades are composed of highly elastic material, such as rubber or nylon. When you blow air is blown inside the grades, they expand, thereby increasing the pressure on teachers to lower their academic standards. For example, a “C” grade, once awarded to 25% of the student population, is now considered unspeakably cruel. When the pressure on professors overcomes the tensile strength of the grades, the gradesy grades explode.
“This is a disaster!” exclaimed sophomore student and economics major Maria Filo. “My freshman year I earned straight A’s, but my grades for this year are just a series of holes. How am I going to get a job with a popped transcript?”
“Oh wait,” she added. “My dad plays golf with the CEO of Goldman Sachs. I’m fine.”
The DOE has issued a report recommending that Harvard try implementing a deflated grading scale similar to the one used at the University of Chicago. However, Harvard’s current president, Drew Faust, told the Dealer that she visited the Hyde Park campus and “couldn’t stand the sight of all those sad, misshapen, shriveled students, I mean, uh, grades,” and quickly flew back to Harvard to deal with the situation by giving everyone a hug and a lollipop.
