Electricity is Just a Fad, Horses are Forever

By Ashwin Rao, 1879

Jan. 22, 2016

Harken! Relieve your ears of the falsehood of the young rapscallions, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison and other conjurers of electric spirits. Do not yield to their heresy of the supremacy of electric power. The horse shall remain the primary form of transportation according to leading scientists and the most prominent ministers of the day. Some even assert that the mild horse shall become the sustenance of our very race! The magnitude of the fallacious assertions espoused by Mr. Edison in particular is only surpassed by the magnitude of feces in his trousers. Ha! Those who fall prey to these sorcerers of mechanical satanism are in for a nasty SHOCK. Ha!

You may ask, “But what of technological innovation? How will we power machine-like behemoths without electricity?” Electricity is a fad until the smartest minds of modern society are able to replace this industrial sin. Two theories have come to light. The first, proposes that through the proven science of eugenics, civil society will come to raise generations of large, beastlike, power-horses who will be capable of travelling thirteen hawk paces per minute! These power-horses could plow a whole field of barley in half a week’s time! The second theory relies on the breeding of lame horses to produce smaller creatures until several could be fit into a small box. These small horses produce portable energy for civilian use. One envisioned possibility is the creation of a handheld sparkbox weighing about two stones capable of lighting a candle without delay.

How does electricity answer to these inventions of human ingenuity? It responds with quibble of automatons failing to match the raw strength of the domesticated horse! I reckon a few fortnights before electricity disappears into the past as a relic of the ancient past. Readers, await my next publication on the steam engine’s downfall in the aquatic horse.