Discovery of Fifth Humor Revolutionizes Natural Sciences

By Adam Lowinger

Jan. 22, 2016

After rigorous pseudo-investigation of natural phenomena, physicians around the European continent are excited to report the discovery of a fifth humor: ectoplasm.

The discovery of this humor was spurred by two keen observations. The first is that 90% of most illnesses seem to go away after a good night sleep. The second is the secretion of an oily substance on the surface of the face each night. What made the humor so elusive was the fact that it only appeared during sleep. “While the other four humors all correspond to a specific emotion, season, and personality type”, said noted physician Jules Notaquack, “this fifth humor seems to be built on balance and neutrality. As best we can tell, it represents a release directly from the soul; hence it is only excreted in the reflection brought on by dreams.”

Notaquack then told The Shady Dealer about the various trends of ectoplasm. “It appears to be common amongst the youth just entering breeding age, for their souls are the most overcome with emotion. That buildup of ectoplasm seems to cause ache, a fouls smell, and a cycle between other emotions.  However, ectoplasm in insufficient quantity seems to lead to headaches, weight gain, and loss of appetite. We can only assume this is because the individual is keeping the soul excess trapped within their physical form”.

With the discovery being so recent, no proper inlet or outlet treatments have been devised to preserve ectoplasm balance.  Notaquack assured us that a regular cyclic method of activity, prayer, and sleep should be sufficient just in case. As we left, he gave us a bag of leaches as a precaution, since the loss of blood seems to be useful in bringing about the sleep needed for ectoplasm secretion.

It should be noted that this discovery is not without controversy. Conservative factions are claiming that this addition would lead to the destruction of the perfect medical system set forth by the ancient Greeks. Furthermore, while the other humors correspond to fire, earth, air, and water, this “soul” or “heart” humor sounds rather lame. Lastly, they note that this could open the floodgate to a hodgepodge of new medical terms that future medical apprentices will have to memorize. No method of empirical testing has been purposed by either side.

People are advised to continue keeping themselves in balance while the debate carries on. Also remember to get rid of those plague-causing cats.