New Off-Ocean Program Brings Whales to UChicago

By Jacob Johnson

April 23, 2016

DueAnnouncing to a new shared initiative between the SHAMU (Society for Humans Meeting Animal Undergraduates) University of Chicago and the Marine Biological Lab in Woods Hole Massachusetts,Saint Helena Association for Marine Undergraduates,association, the University of Chicago will soon be offering research opportunities and housing stipends starting this summer for roughly six dozen Humpback whale students from the South Atlantic sea, starting this summer. hosting hostingthe approximately six dozen massive, aquatic mammals on its campus. Due to a new shared initiative from the University of Chicago and the Marine Biological Lab in Woods Hole Massachu– setts, the University of Chicago will soon be hosting approximately six dozen mas– sive, aquatic mammals on its campus.

Beginning May 7th, these gargantuan Leviathans of the Abyss are predicted to be found taking up entire floors of the Reg, accidentally crushing unfortunate students underneath their titanic mass.

“I mean, I guess I get what they’re trying to do here,” said Gerald Finkheimer, a third-year economics major, “I know they sent out a ton of sea-mails in order to entice these guys over here, and I appreciate the effort, but really? Whales? Now the whole place smells like fish and whale shit.”

Of course, having to provide adequate food for over fifty whales, (ranging in species from Beluga to Blue,) has put a considerable strain on dining halls, which have now taken to serving students only hardtack, salt pork, and the occasional lime wedge to ward off scurvy.

“Aye, th’ school an’ her crew be in dangerous waters,” said Scorry McTywin, a second year who got through a single chapter of Moby Dick in high school before giving up altogether. “The beasts of th’ deep aren’t nothin’ to joke at... .. We’d best steer clear, but and keep our harpoons sharp.”

Still, despite controversy, the project has so far been deemed a great success, and the massive mammalian undergraduates from Starboard University (a member of the Seaweed League) have had only positive things to share about their experiences in research.

“MMMMNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRMMMMMM”, said Steve, a visiting humpback, before blowing a massive jet of water from its spout.

Other whales that agreed to an interview gave responses of a similar nature, shortly before they alelach and every whale eventually succumbed to the stress that being out of water for too long puts on a whale’s body and died. y.

“I’d definitely call it a success,” said Dean John W. Boyer, while directing a team of forklifts toward the numerous corpses. “Some really great learning took place this week, and I saw some real growth. I don’t know about you, but I had a WHALE of a time!”

An Environmental Protection Agency investigation is currently underway.