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May 14, 2016
After four long days of searching high and low for every item on the Sscav Hunt list (no matter how bizarre), local fuckboyi Ryan “Swag” Firmanratman was devastated to discover that one of the final items on the extensive document read simply “Cclitoris”.
“Yeah, my heart just sank,” said Firmanratman, who was dressed in pastel shorts, a polo shirt, and sunglasses. “Cause I’d made it all that way, you know, solving those weird riddles and stuff, and now I come across this ‘klytoobris’ thing and I honestly have no idea what it is.”
Indeed, when asked about said clitoris, a highly popular part of the female human anatomy (and worth over a hundredmillion points for scav), Firmanratman was completely ignorant on the subject.
“Yup, once again, totally blanking on that ‘glyporbrouse’ word”, he said, pausing for a moment to take a picture of his crotch. “Are you guys sure it’s a real thing? Also, I have sex, like, all the time.”
Despite his lack of knowledge on clitoral subjects, Firmanratman was determined to wow the judges in a display of creativity on the prompt.
“Okay, I know we can award points to clever interpretations of items on occasion,” said Sscav Jjudge Erin Myers., “But when Ryan walked into judging with a gross mess of popsicle sticks and beer cans glued together with ‘CLEETUS’ written over it in glitter, we weren’t sure how to react.”
In the end, Firmanratman was reportedly unable to complete the Sscav process, having been rendered unconscious from drinking all of the beer in the cans used for his creation. The Jjudges were hopefulcertain he would be back to try again next year.
“To be totally honest,” said Myers in a low tone. “We really added “clitoris” to the list specifically as an anti-fuckboyi measure. He may be able to find a Jar-Jar jar ajar, or a butt-plug shaped like Teddy Rooseveltfunctioning nuclear reactor, but you know he’ll never be able to find one of those.”
