Improved Hygiene Lasts Three Days

By Morgan Pantuck

Oct. 21, 2015

According to eyewitness reports, area undergraduate Wendy Robinson’s new hygienic rituals have officially ended after only three days of implementation. Robinson, 20, promised herself that she would begin Autumn quarter with a fresh outlook on life, as well as a fresh t-shirt every day of the week and the regular removal of old sandwiches from the fridge. This experimental routine—which included the use of deodorant, razor blades, and more than one pair of socks—worked very well for approximately 72 hours before completely collapsing.

“There was no problem at first,” a visibly disheveled Robinson explained to reporters. “I woke up early so that I would have time to shower, apply foundation, and get through breakfast without spilling clumps of cereal all over myself.”

“However,” she continued, pulling her greasy hair into a large, chaotic bun, “after three days of school, I realized it’s much easier to study for midterms if you don’t waste any time changing your sheets, cleaning the bathroom, or wiping food off of your face after eating it.”

Meanwhile, Robinson’s roommates—Diane, Shelly, and Peter—have been calling themselves “disappointed.”

“She leaves crumbs everywhere!” Diane commented, throwing her hands in the air. “Literally everywhere. It’s like she’s Hansel and Gretel, but covered in week-old mascara.”

“The weird thing is, she actually owns a dozen t-shirts,” Shelly added, while writing a passive aggressive sticky note to attach to Wendy’s overflowing trash bags. “But once she chooses a ‘lucky’ one, there’s no convincing her to wear any of the others.”

“Look, it’s one thing to forget to do the dishes,” Peter explained, digging a traumatized house-cat out from under her unwashed laundry pile. “It’s another thing to lose your sex toys in the couch and then ask for help finding them.”

At press time, Wendy was flirtatiously telling Ronald Newberg that they should hang out at his apartment, since hers was “a little messy.”