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July 25, 2016
op-ed: porn is worse here Porn. I love it, you love it, we all love porn, but especially me. I love porn the most, so I am deeply saddened that I must inform you that all porn is worse here.
I was once a dewy-eyed lad like you. I came in dreaming of all the wondrous porn at my fingertips, and how I could watch this porn throughout the day. But the moment I flipped open my laptop, I sensed something amiss. My staple porn video, “Hot Bunny Gets Nailed,” somehow had become just “Bunny Gets Nailed.” Where did the adjective go? The hot part was my favorite part of the entire video!
I opened the video, and my world crashed around me. What used to be “Hot Bunny Gets Nailed” had fallen low, and my life would never be the same. The bunny had lost her hotness, and could barely qualify as cute, and instead of getting nailed, she was undoubtedly only lightly tapped. My favorite porn, my best porn, my crowning jewel, my hot bunny who had been nailed. “Where have you gone!” I screamed. But there was no answer.
To my terror, all other porn videos I perused suffered similar downgrades. Porn sites that once were lively breeding grounds for awesome sex acts have downgraded to lifeless porn husks, where every position is missionary. That’s right, even in the kinky shit. Have you ever seen BDSM without the B, S, or M? It doesn’t work.
I haven’t even breached the surface of the University of Chicago’s transgressions against porn. I could tell you all about how Das Kapital is in the background of every scene and how every guy looks slightly like Dean Boyer. The full list of changes would take hours to read.
Why is porn worse here? I haven’t figured it out yet. The change isn’t permanent; porn goes back to normal when you get at least 5 miles away from the quad. Incidentally, one of the main reasons UPASS passed is so students can go downtown to watch the good porn. My current hypothesis is that UChicago’s high density of academia creates an anti-porn force-field of sorts. This explains the oddly high educational value of UChicago porn. For example, the MILF porn section has taught me all about computational linguistics. Thank you, MILFs.
Be aware that you cannot circumvent the worsening of porn. All the pictures I had saved on my hard drive became censored, and my saved videos became half as long. I tried to bring a Maxim magazine to campus once, and when I entered campus territory it turned into The New Yorker.
Of course, you should stay at the University. It is a wonderful school, and Chicago is a wonderful town. But remember: the porn is worse here.
The sex is worse too.
