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Oct. 14, 2016
Sources confirmed this morning there is enough ambient noise in St. Mary’s Episcopal church to mask the noise of the fart you are currently holding in. They went on to state that releasing the fart would be a “pretty safe bet” and that there is was a “moderate to high likelihood” that the flatulence would go unnoticed.
“There were arewereare several factors that influenced our decision to encourage the fart,” said local flatulence acoustics expert James Miller. “The church choir is singing, and they’re definitely loud enough to mask the sound of a fart. That, combined with the snoring of the elderly man snoring in the pew behind you, provide all the cover you need.”
Eyewitnesses reported that there is a “pretty gross looking dude” three seats away from you who would most probably be blamed for any smell that the the fart would produceproduced. Eyewitness Joanna Johnson claimed that he “looks like a real farter” and “may have farted a couple times already, who can tell.”
“You really should do it now; this is the best chance that you’re going to get,” says analyst Willa Anderson. “That choir isn’t going to sing forever, and the minister isn’t nearly loud enough to cover a fart this big. Also, the padding of your seat is absolutely crucial for muffling the fart. If you’re asked to stand up, this is all over.”
“Also, you can’t let it rip all at once,” continued Anderson. “You’re really going to have to finesse how you unclench. We can’t have a repeat of the time you let one out in math class and people heard it down the hall. You’re conducting a stealth operation here.”
Despite the ample cover noise and seat padding, some experts urged caution. “Just do the right thing and hold it in,” said area farter Eli O’Brien. “The relief of letting this gas out is not going to outweigh the shame of farting in a church. Also, all of your mom’s old friends are here. C’mon, man.”
Reports concluded that if you want to pull this thing off, you better do it right now because it looks like the choir is wrapping up. You are strongly encouraged to “man up,”, “take the bull by the horns,” and “do what you need to do, god damn it!”
At press time, the minister had called for the congregation to join him in silent prayer, and oh Ggod, everyone totally heard you fart.
