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Dec. 29, 2016
How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support Ever since Venmo ruined the “Sorry I Don’t Carry Cash” thing for everybody,–, not donating to charities you support has gotten really tough. But you’re not an asshole. You’re heart is in the right place – you even put your “I voted!” sticker on your Nalgene. So aovert your eyes, suppress your conscious, and let’s get going.
1. You have personal business to attend to:.: Boy oh boy, you are busy today. You wish you had time to stop and talk about women’s rights, but jeez you’re all booked up. Look at your watch like you’ve got somewhere to be , and open up that stride. No time to waste!
2. There’s something in your eye: We’ve all been there. There’s something in your eye and you are completely oblivious to everything around you. Negligence is the name and plausible deniability is the game. Where are you walking? What’s Global Warming? – you don’t know, you have something stuck in your eye.
3. Wear Birkenstocks:.: If you haven’t caught on to this one yet, you need to start picking up what the liberal media is putting down. Wearing Birkenstocks means never having to look anyone in the eye ever again. Keep your nose where it belongs:; up in the air while you munch on those sun dried kale chips. High and mighty never tasted so much like twigs.
4. Ask them to sign up for Green Peace: Don’t dish it if you can’t take it, PETA. You think that you can make me feel bad about drinking milk and not sign up for my un-unsubscribable emailing list? Think again. How about you put down your VR slaughterhouse goggles and I’ll put my clipboard-hands up where you can see them and we both back away slowly, ok?
5. FaceTime your parents: Right your wrongs with this simultaneously conscious-cleansing and eye-averting chore. While briskly pushing past outstretched flyers, loudly thank your parents for paying your tuition, forwarding your mail, and, most importantly, conceiving you. Don’t want to chat with the ‘rents today? This also works in reverse. Let them know your a little preoccupied saving the rain forest and making full-on eye contact with a new friend.
