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March 11, 2017
Memo from DOJ District Attorneys to AG Jeff Sessions: Why Don’t You Resign?
Dear Attorney General:
Let’s just get straight to the point. I don’t want to dilly-dally with side complaints or distractions. Put bluntly, you make us look bad. You have gotten more attention for your trips abroad than Rex Tillerson. We haven’t heard of him taking any trips lately (which is weird, because it’s his job – for all we know, he could be signing an end-poaching treaty with Narnia’s lion king Aslan). Anyways, your antics are really reflecting badly on the Justice Department. It is distracting us from enforcing law, exchanging attorneys with big law firms, and dealing with all the lawsuits against your boss.
We feel that the best option for everyone involved would be if you resigned. We as a collective have no confidence in your leadership. We will no longer obey office directives. We recommend that you be retroactively censured for lying as a senator. Don’t even get us started on the regular page-long memos of “Roll Tide!” every time the University of Alabama football team plays. Having the nation’s top lawyer break law by committing perjury is kind of a conflict of interest. We feel the incumbent administration is dealing with enough conflicts of interest.
Why don’t you resign?
Memo from AG Jeff Sessions to DOJ District Attorneys: Why Don’t You Resign?
Dear DOJ District Attorneys:
Oh, bless your heart, by golly. Thank you for your concerns. As a Southern gentleman growing up in Alabama, I learned the importance of respect and tolerance. I respect the opinions of all people whether or not I consider them socially inferior. I am tolerant of all colors and creeds, whether black, white, or white-robed. However, I am not just a Southern gentleman. I am a man of the law, and intend to stay so. I refuse to resign.
It’s not terrible that I might have lied under oath and violated the spirit of my office within days of obtaining it. Not every person follows every law. I bet all of you jaywalk, yet still call yourself lawyers. I could get you all disbarred for that. But I won’t, because I have empathy. May I have fudged some of the details a little bit? Sure! I may or may not have been to Russia during the campaign. Just because I happen to have maybe been to a country that maybe interfered with our presidential election doesn’t mean I had anything to do with it. How could I possibly be involved in events that may or may not have happened? I don’t know. I didn’t mention it because it’s nothing, and I have nothing to hide! It’s no big deal the DA that was investigating me would be gone if you all quit, because he wouldn’t have found anything anyway.
Your accusations hurt me. This crybaby liberal uprising is just to keep me from implementing conservative values, like strict constructionism and strict construction of racial hierarchy.
Why don’t you resign?
