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March 27, 2017
After an intense research and development period involving complex mathematics and squiggly speed lines, famed White Sox All-Star pitcher José Quintana has invented an entirely new baseball pitch called the “really fastball.“
“I call it the really fastball because it’s a fastball, but even faster. A normal fastball goes whoosh, but my really fastball goes neeaohhh,” said Quintana through an interpreter. Quintana proceeded to mime a ball moving extremely fast with his hands while making airplane sounds.
“All of us pitchers in baseball have been throwing fastballs while thinking, ‘This is it. This is the fastest ball.’ But did they ever think to go even faster? I dared to break the limits. My really fastball is a level beyond a fastball. It is the fastest ball.”
Quintana revealed his new creation at the first game of Spring Training his past week against the Cincinnati Reds, where both teams agreed that it was extremely fast. Reports show that, through the seven scoreless innings Quintana pitched, fourteen of the Reds batters struck out on a really fastball. Furthermore, each of these batters upon striking out, each of these batters said “Wow, that was a ridiculously fast fastball.”
Quintana refused to share the method he uses for throwing the really fastball, but he did hint that the technique is like throwing a fastball, but better. Quintana credits his inspiration for the really fastball to Sonic the Hedgehog. While watching Sonic X on Cartoon Network, Quintana thought to himself, “I can pitch that,” and the rest is history.
At press time, White Sox catcher Omar Narvaez Alfredo Gonzalez was seen purchasing a large tube of Bengay for his sore, sore hands.
