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April 9, 2017
DUE BY APRIL 20THMaroon.Space adds Story FeatureBy Thomas Noriega The University of Chicago’s hot new matchmaking service, Maroon.Space, has provided students with a brand-new way to meet people, kindle relationships, and shitpost aggressively. The site recently expanded its suite of features with an online marketplace, allowing students to find products as easily(?) as they can find love.
As part of its continuing drive to serve as a broader social network for the UChicago community, Maroon.Space has announced plans to add a story feature to the website. This reporter was brought to an anonymous warehouse to speak with Kit Brixton, Maroon.Space’s design chief, to discuss the recent development.
“At first, we didn’t know how to incorporate stories into an inherently anonymous service,” said Kit, “but we at Maroon.Space are sticking to our foundations while finding innovative new ways to connect our campus both on and offline.” Kit explained that, while on a system like Snapchat, Facebook, or literally anyevery other fucking social media platform on Earth you would simply add your friends and colleagues to see their stories, Maroon.Space stories utilize the website’s culture and pre-existing features to create an unprecedented story experience.
“When you answer an aggressively kinky personal ad or inquire about a $5 Calc 150s textbook that may or may not have been vandalized beyond all recognition, you’re reaching out, you’re engaging, you’re…” Kit launched into a few minutes of similar superlative phrases before continuing, “…you’re stringing along a human daisy chain of Maroons, and only once you’ve engaged them can you start to follow their stories. You can follow anybody on Snapchat, but you might only know only their name or their reputation. On Maroon.Space, you have no idea who they are or if they’re trolling you, but you know they’re into some sketchy shit. And I think that’s beautiful.”
Kit showed off some ideal Maroon.Space Stories. “We want to encourage our stories to reflect the unique culture of Maroon.Space,” Kit explained., “Wwe’ve given some prominent users access to a beta version of the story feature. Let’s see what they’ve given us.”
The first story showed an unknown user stealing bike tires in front of South before putting them up for sale on the marketplace. The second was a set of messages written in various blends of dirt, highlighter, and shit. Most of them were threats, but a couple were selections of surprisingly good neo-beat poetry and as well as an English BA on the role of guilt in Christian literature between the 13th and –20th centuriesies. The third and last story was just dicks. Like, a LOT of dicks. I counted, and there were at least 22 distinct dicks, including a couple that were tastefully backlit to impose a visually deconstructionist effect. Kit seemed pleased.
When asked about the future of Maroon.Space, Kit seemed excited, if cryptic. “There’s VIRTUAL-ly nowhere we don’t want to take it, no feature we don’t want to apply. In REALITY, Maroon.Space will prove to be an adaptive, dynamic service for years to come.”
Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White HouseBy Thomas Noriega In the first major security scare of the Trump administration, Secret Service agents recently discovered a series of tunnels beneath the White House, dug by 2016 Presidential Candidate Jeb(!) Bush. The service was alerted to the excavation by a member of the kitchen staff, who had been hearing pickaxes and blasting caps for far longer than usual. The staff member had also noticed trails of dirt left around the kitchen, usually accompanied by a few stolen foodstuffs. The service tracked one of these trails back to a cheese pantry with a newly-made hole where the floor used to be, and the ex-governor of Florida where the cheese used to be. Jeb(!) was quickly detained, and a secret service detachment was sent to investigate the tunnels. After hours of painstaking crawling and charting, the full scope of the former candidate’s plan was understood. Starting on November 8th, 2016, Jeb(!) had begun digging towards the nation’s capital from his home in Southern Florida, armed with a full complement of excavation gear and a year’s supply of Powerbars. According to the plans (read: crudely drawn sketches) found on Jeb(!)’s person, his cunning plan seemed to be to dig beneath the White House, sneak into the Oval Office, hide the entire White House staff in a large cavern excavated under the national mall, and assume the full duties and responsibilities of the American Presidency as if he had been elected to the office. Future designs included feigning deafness when asked about President Trump or his sudden ascendancy to the highest office in the land, deflecting suspicion by imitating Trump when calling Melania or Barron Trump in New York, and tearfully begging for his family’s love. Jeb(!) seemed to be in a state of delirium, and experts fear a psychotic break. Several small plastic turtles were found on his person, and the words SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE had been written on his clothing and skin in varying media ranging from Sharpie pen to battery acid. Jeb(!) was heard repeating the mantra as he was escorted from the premises. When asked about the incident, President Trump commented “If I were trying to dig my way into the White House, I’d just excavate around the foundations, cause it to collapse in on itself, murder the President in the wreckage, and declare myself God-Emperor of America before rebuilding the White House out of solid gold and flamethrowers. I always said Jeb(!) was a bland, low-energy loser.”
