Mitch McConnell Announces No Further Bills Will Pass the Senate Until Funding for His Turtle Snacks Is Approved
By Christopher Walker
April 10, 2017
When asked by a reporter why funding for those specific items was such an important priority on the republican party’s legislative agenda, Senator McConnell responded by looking down at his stomach with a sad look, opening his mouth a bit, and then quickly closing it without speaking. He then lost interest in the reporter’s questions and laid on his stomach, crushing an unseen bill for entitlement reform in the process.
After a short nap, Senator McConnell explained that the food outlined in the turtle legislation is part of “a healthy diet” and that distribution must be “swift and effective”, with the food being distributed at strategic locations like public schools, churches, and Capitol Hill cafeteria. After McConnell delivered his speech, he began to return to his office. In the intervening two or three days it took for the senator to reach his destination, legislative analysts found a number of unusual provisions in the bill, like subsidies for companies that provided “shell shining” products, and funding for military research on turtle shell camouflage.
