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Oct. 17, 2017
After months of Frankenstein reruns, two liters of ammonium nitrate, and something to do withstem cells, the department of philosophy was able to reincarnate the remains of long dead Post-Impressionist painter, Vincent Van Gogh. According to the director of the program forReincarnation in the Arts and Humanities, Wyatt Koenig, the reincarnation was the first of manyefforts to bring some of the greatest artistic and archaic minds back to the discussion of thehumanities.“I mean, in all of the time that we have studied the humanities, we haven’t reallyventured too far past the works of those like Hobbes, Plato, or others in the typical canon ofmostly dead, mostly Caucasian men. Since that canon is relatively small, and the need for newand interesting works to define our society is ever increasing, it was decided that the easiestsolution was to re-animate the corpses of people who have been dead for at least hundreds ofyears to guide us through the modern struggles we face today. It’s a lot like waiting for a frankocean album, except our solution is considered ‘an abomination to the concept of life.’”When asked over the seemingly arbitrary decision to begin with Van Gogh, Mr. Koenigexplains that it was actually quite natural.“It was easier to start with him because of the common language, and also we just had tolift some of his tears off of a painting at the art institute”Despite Mr. Van Gogh’s initial concerns over being returned to ‘the suffering ofexistence’, members of the program were able to calm him down and cultivate his interest in thereincarnation program. Unfortunately, while auditing an Intro to Classics seminar, the attemptreached an impasse.“It was, like, uncouth.” explains first year Kevin Willoughby. “I was just talking abouthow taking IBL Calc helped me realize that Socrates is a hypocrite when the dude just lost it”Eyewitnesses claim that while Kevin was speaking, Mr. Van Gogh exclaimed that “Anunjust universe guffaws heartily [his] sufferings. [He] offer[s] a last, unsuccessful request forsilence in the form of [his] own ear”, before “doing what he does best” (according to Mr.Willoughby) and jumping out of a window.The initial failure has not stopped the movement for reincarnation, and demand forreincarnation has actually increased as explained by Mr. Koenig“We got a request for Karl Marx from the PoliSci department the other day, but the waywe do it is with teardrops, and Marx tear drops are notoriously difficult to come by”The whereabouts of the reincanted Van Gogh are unkown at the time of this publication
