Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access

By Milena Prosss

Feb. 25, 2018

As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available to the College Programming Office and the “people” who “work” there. Additionally, they are only ever seen during O-Week, Parents Weekend, Graduation, and the CPO’s other stunt holidays. 

If you’ve ever seen a calendar before, you’ll notice these events are localized to early fall and one week of June only. For the rest of year, who knows what the College Programming Office is up to? One can only imagine they are riding, hanging out on, sleeping on, kissing, and marrying their golf carts. I propose that the University make these elusive golf carts available to the student body, so that everyone on campus can have the opportunity to touch them.

Imagine this: you’re walking to class, and you’re running a little late. Wouldn’t it be nice to hop in a golf cart, twist that key in the ignition, and ZOOM straight through the walls of Harper? I think it would certainly be preferable to the 172.

As someone who’s had the privilege of driving on a golf course before, I can say that driving a golf cart is the most powerful feeling in the world. Nothing makes me feel more confident, competent, intelligent, capable, and horny. I think it’s wrong that one little office has the keys to all the golf carts, and the rest of us students are barred from even going near them.

It’s shocking to me that we, as students, can check out library books, camera equipment, and even 3D printers, but somehow sitting in a golf cart and flooring it across the Midway is “not allowed” and “an offense deserving of expulsion.”

When polled, students gave several creative and innovative ideas for what they would do with permission to use the golf carts. The number one answer, coming in at 85%, was “tricks.” I don’t know about you, but I’m sure that the tricks our students will come up with be will more than enough to defend UChicago’s quirky, uncommon reputation, thereby attracting tons of new (and preferably wealthy) applicants to the school. Another 5% said they would like to “bump people in a friendly way,” 3% said they would “help plow the snow in winter,” and 12% said they’d “drive for Uber.”

All of these ideas are productive, intellectually engaging, and extremely physically stimulating. All golf cart authority is concentrated in the CPO, and that just doesn’t seem right in 2018. I live in fear that one night, when I’m walking home from innocently studying, a crazed College Programming Officer will ram into me at a speedy 15 MPH out of sheer rage, spite, and hunger for absolute control.

I dream of a world where one can simply roll out of bed, sit on some cold hard pleather (no seatbelts), and book it anywhere they wanna go across this fine city. I cannot rest until every student has been issued their own personal golf cart. If Pacific Coast Academy can afford to offer each student a Jet-X, I think the University of Chicago can pull through with a couple thousand golf carts. Also, I think they should let me attend classes again.

You can sign my petition at change.org/FreeRidesForAll