Wrong Dungeon! How I Tried to Join a BDSM Group, Ended Up in a D&D Group

By Thomas Noriega

Sept. 24, 2018

I was feeling a bit restless and my sex life was spiraling into abject boredom. Vanilla hookups weren’t doing anything for me and I’d masturbated to everything and anything I could find. So, when I saw a flyer near the quad about a dungeon master looking for new people to play with, I felt a rush of excitement. The flyer was way beyond bland: it pictured chains, whips, swords, gold, and dragons, plus it listed the meeting place as “Snitchcock.” This was going to be unforgettable.

On the night of the event, I rolled up to the dorm in my jacket and leather thong. I messaged the dungeon master (Her profile pic was a dragon. Rawr ;D). She came out to let me in, dressed pretty casually in a t-shirt and flannel. I guessed she’d change into her dom outfit later. She asked me if I’d brought dice, and I started to sweat. Was this a test? Something I’d missed? Where were these dice going to end up? I replied no, and she smiled, saying I could borrow some of hers. Needless to say, I was aroused.

As she was signing me in, I tried to make small talk. I asked her how long she’d been a dungeon master, expecting her to say a couple years. She was only 22, after all, so when she said nearly 10 years, I was shocked. What kind of fucked up childhood had she been through? I felt a mixture of excitement and concern, but I followed her nonetheless. Eventually, we made it to a small room. As she pushed open the door, I was surprised to see a group of 3 other people sitting around a table. Pens, paper, and a shit-ton of dice littered the space. I told her I didn’t expect anyone else to be here. She looked at me quizzically. “Well, duh,” she replied. “It’s not fun with only two people.” At that, I quickly sat down, making sure the front of my pants was well-concealed.

Nobody else seemed to be dressed for the occasion, at least to my outsider eyes, and nobody seemed keen to get changed either. One of them asked me if I had a character to role-play as yet. Clearly, I had a lot to learn about BDSM. In a few minutes, the dungeon master sat down and smiled. “All right,” she said, “Let’s get started.”

At that, I sprung onto the table and stripped to my underwear. I lay flat, looked the dungeon master in the eye, and said, “Hurt me.” For a while, nobody said anything. Then, after an excruciating pause, the dungeon master gently explained the concept of Dungeons and Dragons to me and handed me a character sheet, along with a set of orange dice. I apologized, and after a while the other people at the table sheepishly admitted that they had first joined for the same reason I did. 

Looking back, I may not have tried bondage, but now that my half-elf druid Dewgrain has hit level 2, it turns out I’m very into role-playing.