Prospective Student Taken Hostage by Cadre of Hyde Park Squirrels
By Troy Sharp
Nov. 2, 2018
A spokesperson for the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) announced that California Bay Area Resident Ben Miller was taken captive by a scurry of squirrels while participating in an undergraduate admissions tour this afternoon.
Miller, 16, was hoping to apply Early Decision to the College for the Class of 2023.
“All he ever wanted to do was thrive here and explore the life of the mind. Why did this have to happen to my son?” Miller’s mother, Allison Miller, exclaimed while sobbing to reporters.
The squirrels, which were reportedly fifty in number and above average in size, were seen by students hurrying across the Main Quad towards Miller’s tour group. Third year Jeff Wu was able to catch the action on cell phone footage, which has since been turned over to University Police.
In an interview with the Dealer, Wu commented, “It was amazing. Absolutely amazing. I was coming back from a long night at a friend’s house, and honestly, I thought it was a hallucination. Like, this is the sort of thing you see in an acid trip. There were dozens of them running in unison!”
As of 3:00 p.m. local time, students reported that police had surrounded the bush where the radicalized squirrels were supposedly fortified. Eyewitnesses also reported that UCPD sent a hostage negotiator to secure the release of Miller. UCPD blotters showed that the officer offered the construction of a new Squirrel Residential Commons adjacent to the Burton-Judson Residential Commons, to which the squirrels replied, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeek! Seeeqqqq! Eaaaaaaaaaaa!”
Taking a slightly more optimistic outlook on the situation, animal rights activist Max Hart told reporters, “It’s about time the squirrels on campus collectivized to take action against the exploitative human race. For too long, humans have subjected squirrels to a system of capitalist violence wherein acorns are traded for dehumanizing performances of cuteness and affection.”
Dean Boyer was seen meeting with Miller’s parents to discuss the terms of a full-tuition admissions and scholarship package to dissuade a potential lawsuit against the University.
This story is still developing.
