Politics
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2016 Elections 2.0: This Time It’s Personal
“The people of America will determine once and for all whether I pleased Bubba the most,” Donald Trump said. “I talked to my good friend Putin and he told me, Donald, you give…
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Trump invokes presidential immunity after 7-Eleven shoplifting incident
“The president must be able to act on behalf of the American people without worrying about some woke, corrupt prosecutor dragging him into court to haggle over the commercial policies of this or…
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Candace Owens Claims Ghost of Christmas Past was Charlie Kirk the Whole Time
Owens claims Kirk took her through the formative moments of her childhood, including the first time she “curb stomped the hoo-hah” out of a transgender classmate at eight and her first kiss with…
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ICE Deports Jesus Christ
Police reports confirmed that Jesús C. was deported to El Salvador yesterday, though the Dealer, after consulting library records dating back several thousand years, deduced that El Salvador is not the man’s home…
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Help! My Roommate Thinks Anthony Bourdain and Jeffery Epstein Are the Same Person
I tried to explain that Anthony Bourdain was, in fact, a chef and writer who was featured on television many times for things unrelated to sex trafficking. Idee nodded politely, the way you…
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Trump creates “Random Gender Generator” to replace X markers on passports
According to White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt, the intention is to make sure this program will only generate “M” or “F” markers. However, Leavitt added, “our programmers are not going to implement…
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Deal of the Century! “Functional Government” Listed on Black Friday Sale for $54.99
The item’s listing claims the product possesses “24 gallons of integrity,” comes in beige, white, and "multicultural," and is covered by an 18-month warranty.
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Trans Fats Banned a Second Time for Being Woke
In a Truth Social post, President Trump wrote, “The HHS, under the direction of my friend BEAUTIFUL BOBBY, is removing the WOKE Trans Fats from the Diet of our Country. The Democrats wanted…
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Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
“I had to go from the Robinstein library to Batchinson Commons. I ordered a Via and it took 20 MINUTES to arrive! UNACCEPTABLE! Illegal immigrants are destroying our own American drivers. Under my…
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CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
Chartreuse’s earthy green tones remind CTA riders of our hardworking Illinois farmers. There is no one who respects Illinois agriculture more than me.
