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Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
“I had to go from the Robinstein library to Batchinson Commons. I ordered a Via and it took 20 MINUTES to arrive! UNACCEPTABLE! Illegal immigrants are destroying our own American drivers. Under my…
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CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
Chartreuse’s earthy green tones remind CTA riders of our hardworking Illinois farmers. There is no one who respects Illinois agriculture more than me.
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I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
Like, are we sure he is going to testify in front of the court? He may not even be real! Lowkey, I was thinking this could be a movie. “Epstein 2: Mark Strikes…
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Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
“After giving it my all against my opponents, the voters’ message to me is clear,” said Cuomo. “The people of New York want me out of the city… SO I CAN REPRESENT THEM…
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Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
In what appears to be a logistical error, President Trump sent several bulldozers to the East Wing of Woodlawn instead of the East Wing of the White House owing to confusion over Google…
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In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
J.D. Vance admits that seeing Volodymyr Zelensky’s lashes triggered months of resentment, forcing him to repeatedly abandon his vice presidential duties to take lengthy vacations. But now, Vance is back—not to his position…
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Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
The Spiders Parachuting into Dangerous Regions Task Force, or SPIDR, aims to utilize the natural skydiving abilities of arachnids to conduct High-Altitude Low-Opening (HALO) jumps in military operations deemed too risky for human…
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Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
He described having stumbled upon the document during a recent stroll on the roof of the White House. “It was just sitting there—can you believe that? Sitting right there on that—on that really…
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Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
Leavitt debuted the strategy in her response to a HuffPost reporter’s question about a proposed summit between President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, but further instances have already appeared. Asked by the…
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Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal
These outfits are reportedly “sleek,” “intimidating,” and “super cool, dude.” They will be a slimming black color, as Hegseth has realized since his speech that “getting rid of all the fatties” was a…
