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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds

    Chase Teichholz / June 4, 2025

    Economists were befuddled, given that there is no known trade between Atlantis and the United States. In fact, the U.S. is still unsure exactly where Atlantis is.

    read more
  • Politics

    Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave

    Vivian Psylos / May 29, 2025

    “I, brought to you by Carl’s Jr., am happy to announce that our great state’s water supply is no more!" Governor Cox announced.

    read more
  • Politics

    Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda

    Chase Teichholz / May 23, 2025

    “In keeping with the President’s wishes for us, we have also decided that Roberto Clemente Day will no longer be celebrated,” the statement continued.

    read more
  • Politics

    JD Vance Chased By Pitchfork-Wielding Mob for Three Weeks Before White House Comments

    Pauline Singer / May 18, 2025

    The Dealer was witness to the tail end of the chase, which came to a stop when Vance finally managed to contact  the White House, who had previously placed his call on hold.

    read more
  • Politics,  World Affairs

    Pete Hegseth Accidentally Challenges Houthis to Game of iMessage Cup Pong

    Jacob Halabe / May 13, 2025

    In what a spokesman for the Department of Defense is calling, “a completely understandable and tactically secure wrong-number mix-up,” Hegseth reportedly attempted to challenge Secretary of State Marco Rubio to a friendly game…

    read more
  • Politics,  World Affairs

    Donald Trump Comes Out as Serbian Nationalist, Returns Kosovo to Serbia within 15 Days

    Vivian Psylos / May 9, 2025

    "It’s a beautiful city, the food is great, the women are great. My wife Melania once made me a pljeskavica, it was the greatest food I ever experienced. Since I was ten, my…

    read more
  • Politics

    Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE

    Jake Felsen / April 13, 2025

    Musk unveiled the ninjas during a ceremony on Thursday, during which he dramatically ripped back a curtain to showcase an empty stage, which he implied was actually filled completely with ninjas trained in…

    read more
  • Politics

    America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang

    Vivian Psylos / April 12, 2025

    Following the announcement, Trump immediately lifted the travel ban on North Korea, and signed an executive order renaming it “Best Korea.” 

    read more
  • Politics,  Scientific Excellence

    Supreme Court Overturns Measles Vaccine v. Measles

    Alasdair Greenland / April 8, 2025

    "Writing for the Court’s conservative majority in Super Measles v. Measles Vaccine, Chief Justice John Roberts said 'it is the opinion of this court that despite persuasive arguments by the Measles Vaccine, we…

    read more
  • Politics

    Elon Musk Singing Sad Songs, Playing Guitar Outside of Former Federal Employees’ Windows

    Jacob Halabe / April 7, 2025

    Musk was seen standing outside the homes of former federal employees for hours, singing love songs such as “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis and “Please Help Me Run the Consumer…

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
  • Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
  • Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
  • Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
  • Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
  • UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students

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