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Wrong Dungeon! How I Tried to Join a BDSM Group, Ended Up in a D&D Group
By Thomas Noriega Sept. 24, 2018 I was feeling a bit restless and my sex life was spiraling into abject boredom. Vanilla hookups weren’t doing anything for me and I’d masturbated to everything…
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Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection
By Clarence Burrough May 25, 2018 The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of…
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Melville Furious Editors Changed “Crab” to “Whale” in Original Moby Dick Manuscript
By Terence Vestibule May 4, 2018 New York City, 1851 Herman Melville, renowned New York author and poet, was reportedly furious earlier today upon discovering that his editors had changed every instance of…
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The Shady Dealer’s Must-Take Classes of Summer 2018
By Deblina Mukherjee April 20, 2018 1. Dystopia, Utopia, Australia (NELC 69300) The scope of the honors section is the same as the standard section, but it covers material at greater depth and…
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University Announces New Dorm to Be Located in the Cayman Islands
By Deblina Mukherjee Feb. 20, 2018 Architectural Mockup of the New Dorm An email from Dean John “Jay” Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University’s newest residence hall will be…
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Freegan Group’s Newest Member Also the Healthiest
By Greer Baxter Jan. 19, 2018 Members of the local freegan meet-up group Impact: Zero! are starting to question the commitment of newest member Mike Fitzpatrick, who joined three months ago. Says group…
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I’m Still Trapped in the Tornado Exhibit at the MSI
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 17, 2017 Greetings, fellow first-years! My name is Jacob Johnson, and while you don’t remember me by name, you probably remember me as the awkward blond kid whose sweaty…
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UC Leaks: Questionable Purchases
By Dan Lastres Aug. 25, 2017 It’s no secret that the university’s finances are not in great shape.; Between a struggling endowment and a high demand for buildings to name, the administration has…
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First Year discovers “Life of the Mind” is no way of life, and only somewhat mind
By Claire Holland Aug. 17, 2017 When first year Abby Kincaid first stepped foot on campus, she knew it was home. “It was like, my whole life I had been too smart for…
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Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment Buzzer
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment BuzzerBy Morgan Pantuck Onlookers were shocked earlier this weekend when local partygoer Josh Casey pressed an apartment buzzer and allowed several unknown…
