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10 Reasons I Cannot Go Back To Miami (The Deliciously Forbidden City)
By Antonia Salisbury Oct. 17, 2017 Home of the day-ger, land of the neon bikini: – Miami, my Garden of Eden, I can never return to you. “Settled in the valley of two…
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The UChicago Sports Cheers You Need To Know
By Chase “The Fanatic” Harrison Aug. 25, 2017 Rooooooollllll ‘Roons! Give me an A (No!) Give me an B (No!) Give me an C (No!) Ok, g. give me an C- at least!…
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First Year Excited to be Surrounded by Diverse Group of Assholes
By Morgan Pantuck, 5th Year Student Aug. 17, 2017 Incoming first year Brian Porter is extremely excited to be attending a top-tier institution like the University of Chicago where he can “finally gain…
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Five Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your Crying
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 5 Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your CryingBy Morgan Pantuck 1. Cry during meals. CWE, or “crying while eating,” is the hip new craze that all…
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“This Is Just Like Hogwarts,” Exclaims Prospie in North
By Chase Harrison April 20, 2017 “This is Just like Hogwarts,” exclaims Prospie in NorthBy Chase HarrisonNoting its high ceilings and maze-like design, Prospie Jacqueline Robbins could not stop comparing the newly built…
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Satire Meeting Gets Political
By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Last week’s meeting of The Plantain, The University of East Florida’s satirical newspaper descended into chaos following a pitch form one of its members. Contributor Nina Belleisa…
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Lil Uzi Vert Receives Tearful Standing Ovation Following His Final Performance at Chicago’s Lyric Opera House
By Nik Varley, Chicago 2019 Feb. 7, 2017 Chicago, IL, 2019 – Philadelphia rapper Lil Uzi Vert reportedly received a standing ovation from a tearful crowd following his sold– out performance at Chicago’s…
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Shitty Club Gets RSO Status, Calls Itself the Shady Dealer
By David North, 2004 Feb. 3, 2017 2004– One month ago, applications went live for new campus organizations to vieye for official registration with the University. Along with this status comes tax exemption,…
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Kuvia: A Review
By Jack Toole Jan. 17, 2017 Although I have nothing but admiration for my Paleolithic forebears, I have no desire to share in their ways. Rising early to hunt mammoths, fight cave bears,…
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Local Boy Enjoys Peeling Cheese More Than Eating It
By David North Jan. 4, 2017 Local Hyde Park resident Jacob Levin causedvserious controversy recently when he was reportedly claimed to reported as havingenjoy peeling string cheese more than eating it. Avid cheese consumer…
