-
Zimmer Pregnant With Twins: Shadi Bartsch Shocked to Learn She Is Not the Father
By Ben Boyajian April 25, 2013 In breaking news, Robert Zimmer, President of the University, has announced that he is pregnant with twins. Zimmer’s pregnancy came as a surprise – especially given the…
-
Study: UChicago First-Years Suffer from Lack of Penis Graffiti
By Anna Newport Feb. 24, 2013 A new study commissioned by the Office of the Dean of Students’ has concluded that many of the academic and personal problems experienced by first-year students stem…
-
Natural Explorations with Nigel Pennington: Dragons
By Nigel Pennington Feb. 4, 2013 Anno Domini 1161—Today, I’d like to talk about today’s hot animal-related topic: dragons. Everyone’s heard of them, nobody’s seen them, but everybody’s afraid of them. Well, there…
-
“Fiscal” Cliff Threatens to Drive Economy into Recession
By Daniel Moattar Jan. 3, 2013 As the year-end deadline approaches, public ire and political acrimony over the United States’ “Fiscal Cliff” have approached a breaking point. “Leave me alone, you assholes,” said…
-
Ratner Employee Greets Patron
By Matthew Goldenberg Nov. 10, 2012 In an unprecedented display of social interaction, a front desk employee at Ratner Athletics Center greeted a patron coming in to exercise by saying hello cheerfully. The…
-
Entire Class of 2016 Drowns
By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 Tragedy struck the University of Chicago last week when the entire class of 2016 drowned in a series of freak accidents across the Chicago area. School officials…
-
Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown
By Delilah Stellavic Dec. 23, 2018 When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of…
-
Campus Casualties Escalate in War on Christmas
By Rahul Gupta Dec. 5, 2018 Dozens of students were sent to the University of Chicago hospital after a heated debate over the holiday season exploded into yet another battle in the global…
-
New Doc Film Series: Dean Boyer’s Home Movies
By Kyle Oleksiuk Nov. 2, 2018 Fridays – Filmes de la Deane Since the first day he appeared on campus, a total ingénue, his mustache just budding on a downy and raisèd lip, John…
-
Oops! I Thought Delta Epsilon was a Frat
By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Oct. 26, 2018 When that cutie in my math class–Brad–asked if I was gonna do Delta Epsilon over the weekend, I got so excited that I screamed inside…