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Tour Guide Lies
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 22, 2014 According to sources familiar with the matter, UChicago tour guide Eric Wilson unabashedly lied to a group of prospective undergraduates at 3:35 p.m. Central Standard Time last…
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Muslim Athiest Communist Fascist Runs for Student Council
By Mary Vansuch (1974) Jan. 24, 2014 HONOLULU, HAWAII—A young atheist Muslim Communist Fascist is running for Honolulu Junior High Student Council. An anonymous eyewitness told The Dealer, “He wasn’t even born in…
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School Declares Penile Deficiency Syndrome Awareness Week
By Michaela Cross Nov. 11, 2013 Dean of Students Susan Art has announced in a press release that the College plans to enact an annual “PDS Awareness Week.” “The University of Chicago cares…
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All Math Actually Special Case of Political Science
By Naftali Harris Nov. 9, 2013 Mathematicians around the world were devastated to learn yesterday that all mathematics is actually a special case of political theory. Professor John Mearsheimer, whose groundbreaking 1993 discoveries…
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Old White Man Painted
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 17, 2013 According to sources familiar with the matter, a portrait has been commissioned of Dr. Maxwell T. Pennyweather, President of the University of Chicago’s Wealth Studies program. Pennyweather…
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Report: Career-Ready Graduates Spent Four Years Writing Satire, Fake News
By DJ LoBraico June 1, 2013 According to a recent report commissioned by the Office of Career Advancement, three of the most marketable and career-ready members of the graduating College class of 2013…
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Senator Tammy Baldwin Comes Out as NBA Player
By Stephen Lurie April 29, 2013 In a move that is bound to shock the homosexual world, Senator Tammy Baldwin has revealed that she is a professional basketball player for the Milwaukee Bucks…
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Exclusive: Undercover UCPD Officers Rampant in University Administration
By Stephen Lurie March 4, 2013 A Chicago Shady Dealer investigation has uncovered indisputable evidence that police officers in the employ of the UCPD have been operating undercover in a wide array of…
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Meeting Minutes – October 10, 2000
By Design Committee – Gerald Ratner Athletics Center Feb. 6, 2013 ADMINISTRATION BUILDING, ROOM 301 Attendees Chairman of the Board of Trustees: Edgar D. Jannotta Vice-Chairman of the Board of Trustees: James S.…
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Lesser known UChicago alumni
By Nora Helfand Jan. 7, 2013 You all know David Axelrod, Nate Silver, Kurt Vonnegut, and Vixen; Edwin Hubble, John Ashcroft, Roger Ebert and Blitzen. But do you recall the most obscure College…
