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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tweets from Holy Week

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jesus Feb. 4, 2013 Jesus Christ @Jesus Just drinkin sum wyne wif mah crew. We rollin 13 deep #YOLO #getschwasted @God Judas @Judas Things were a bit awkward at dinner; hope Jesus…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University of Chicago Compiles First Database of “Things That Are Not Sandwiches”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Spiegel Jan. 3, 2013 Marking a great stride forward for the advancement of the human race, researchers at the University of Chicago recently announced that they had finished compiling a database…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Department of Safety and Security Call for Applications: Student Security Guard

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Tamer Barsbay Nov. 10, 2012 Collaborating with Career Advancement, the UCPD proudly announces a new security officer internship sponsored by the Metcalf program. The latest wave of crimes on campus has necessitated…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Point: Obama is the Antichrist and a secret Muslim

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 For years, people have doubted me when I told themBarack Obama’s shocking secret: he is the Antichrist described in the Book of Revelations, a King of ancient…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Dec. 28, 2018 In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Is He Flirting With You or Just Promoting an IOP Event?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Emily Feigenbaum Dec. 5, 2018 Dating at UChicago can be difficult. Sometimes it’s not so clear whether that special person is demonstrating an interest in you or if he’s drumming up attention…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “So Do I Just Put It In?” First-Years Unsure How to Vote

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

      It’s election season in the United States and millions of Americans are expected to hit the polls on November 6th. For many 18-year-old citizens, this will be the first election they can…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer Reads Plato’s Republic, Announces Plan to Exile All Creative Writing Majors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 Dean Boyer, having recently read Plato’s Republic, announced that all Creative Writing majors would be exiled from University premises effective immediately. In an official statement justifying the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Four Freakish Stress-Induced Bodily Phenomena You Will Experience at This School

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester Sept. 24, 2018   Chronic “Gym Bro” Syndrome Some experts say that exercise is an incredibly efficient stress reliever. But they weren’t conducting their studies here in The Upside Down!…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    SOSC Canvas Posts Too Intimate

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Warner Swatkins May 25, 2018 The trouble began when a number of students in Professor Bart Conroy’s third quarter of “Self, Culture, Society” expressed concerns that the readings concerning Dr. Sigmund Freud…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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