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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Robots in Mansueto Actually Adjunct Professors with Head Claws

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Clay Olsen Jan. 3, 2013 In a development entirely consistent with the University of Chicago’’s commitment to the “Life of the Head”, the book retrieval robots in Mansueto have been revealed, by…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Calculus Students Learn Drinking Limits Following Midterms

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diane Zimmerman Nov. 10, 2012 The best place for a mathematician may be behind a counter, but reports this weekend found them on top of the bar. After a particularly difficult round…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Natural Explorations with Nigel Pennington: The Diffident Tree Shrew

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Spiegel Oct. 21, 2012 The Diffident Tree Shrew, contrary to what its name implies, is neither diffident, nor tree-dwelling, nora shrew. A member of the mountain tortoise family, the diffident tree…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Jeff Bezos Wife Discovers Amazon Receipt for New “Alive Girl” Online

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Harry Weinstein Jan. 16, 2019 This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Review: Eating an Entire Jar of Nutella in One Sitting

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Calpernia Higginbotham Dec. 5, 2018 You’ve done it. Everyone’s gone for the day—for classes, whatever that means. No one around, no one to bother you. You’ve got the apartment all to yourself.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trump Summons Backup Collection of Balding White Men from White House Storage Cabinet After Sessions Resignation

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Nov. 7, 2018   Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as “the world’s least magical elf”, resigned earlier today in a move that marks…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Satan Devises Business Fraternities Only to Realize They Are Already a Thing

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing.  “I was sick of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Seven Places You MUST Barf This O-Week

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deblina Mukherjee Sept. 24, 2018   Navigating the University’s historic campus can be hard, especially during the hustle and bustle of O-Week! To learn your way around, here are the seven places…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Did This Article Just Pose a Rhetorical Question in Lieu of an Actual Headline?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 Startling readers and baffling journalistic style guidelines everywhere, you won’t believe the answer you hear when we ask the hot-button question that’s on everyone’s mind: Did the headline of this…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Heidegger Reveals Dasein Can Also Do Sick Ollies

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Heinrich Beckenbauer May 5, 2018 Freiburg, 1927 As we all know, Martin Heidegger’s monumental work Being and Time delineates and delimitates the trio of fruminous characteristics which are characteristic of his most original…

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  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

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