By Morgan Pantuck May 30, 2016 According to those familiar with the situation, area student Margaret Ennis has been experiencing a highly erotic fantasy wherein she writes a mean course evaluation for her…

By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Since the dawn of man, there has been debate about the value of a liberal arts education, and, as a UChicago aAlumnaus, I just want to say…

By Chase Harrison April 25, 2016 On April 26, the Chicago Maroon reported that beginning in Winter 2018, the University will offer an African Civilizations program in Dakar, Senegal. At the April 15th…

By Morgan Pantuck March 13, 2016 Just moments ago, first-year student and budding political activist Marissa Newbolt encouraged her Facebook friends, 99% of whom support the Democratic Party, to vote in the upcoming…

By Abigail Fitsworth Feb. 18, 2016 Dear Sir or Madam: Upon moving into residential housing as a first year, I was delighted to learn about the existence of “Wellczars,” such as yourself, whose…

By Nik Varley, 1787 Jan. 22, 2016 Sources at the Constitutional Convention told Sources at the Constitutional Convention told the Shady Dealer this morning that the American Constitution will not include Ben Franklin’s…

By Anna Newport Jan. 18, 2016 Charleston, S.C. –—- Tragedy was narrowly averted at the Democratic debate Sunday night when Bernie Sanders, the 74-year-old Senator from Vermont, leaned too far left in his…

By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Sources close to area student Todd Braxton confirmed today that the local teen is “doing pretty well on Facebook.” Braxton’s friend Steve Ackerman elaborated. “Things are really…

By Anna Newport Nov. 17, 2015 Since the brink of modernity, we have made great strides in dealing with women’s body image issues — Spanx, the color black, Retinol cream. But Lladies, can’t…

By Reed Thurston Nov. 11, 2015 In a shocking turn of political events, presidential candidate Donald Trump announced at a press hearing last friday that he has pre-emptively won the race for the…