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Meryl Streep Stripped of Oscars for Performance Enhancing Drugs
By Chase Harrison Feb. 25, 2017 In a shocking announcement, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences stated that legendary actress Meryl Streep has tested positive for the performance enhancing drugs. Streep,…
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Former President Obama Dedicates New Tomb of the Unknown Drone
By Dan Lastres Feb. 5, 2017 Arlington, VA 2023- Former President Obama attended a ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery today, dedicating the newly built Tomb of the Unknown Drone. The mood was somber…
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Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely Fun
By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 28, 2017 Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely FunIn a press conference streamed to YouTube last Saturday from his parents’ basement, eighth-grader Sean Spicer announced that…
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Sexting Over Venmo: As Easy As It Sounds
By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 iMessage bumming you out? Snapchat not doing’ you dirty like it used to? Never fear, sSexting over Venmo is all the rage in 2017, and you heard…
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Texas School Lunches Add “Down-Home Pulled Pork BBQ” as Food Group
By Nico Aldape Nov. 18, 2016 In a move made “in the interests of student physical well-being and health,” the Texas State Board of Education (SBOE) has announced it will phase in dowwn…
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How To Tell If Your Tinder Date Is Actually Danny DeVito In Drag
By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 13, 2016 Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local café? Did you meet up with…
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University Announces Committee on Public Safety
By Teddy Zamborsky Oct. 18, 2016 University Announces Committee on Public Safety In response to what has been referred to ascalled “disruptive student protests,”, University Provost Eric Isaacs announced the re-establishment of the…
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I Don’t Know Whether I Want to Spend Family Weekend With My Parents or the Pope
By Sofia Garcia Oct. 12, 2016 Family Weekend is here, which means that students will get the opportunity to spend the weekend with their parents in what is sure to be an emotional…
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Counterpoint: You Are Crying at a Cheerio
By Morgan’s Sense of Self Awareness Aug. 21, 2016 I’m not going to deny that we live in a male-dominated society which consistently attempts to delegitimize the female experience. However, you are currently…
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We Fucking Hate Pandas
By University Administration July 8, 2016 Over the past few years, the UChicago Office of Sustainability has worked with campus and community partners on several important projects, including ventures to improve waste reduction…
