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First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
Since receiving the reprimand, Hawkins has found himself agonizing over how sad he even was in the first place. “I mean, it makes sense that I would miss my family, but only on…
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5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
Look, if Christianity doesn’t exist in space, neither does Christmas.
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Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
“We thought everyone still did it,” said matriarch Maria Del Toro, carefully arranging three purple candles and one pink candle in preparation for the weekly arguments about who gets to light them, “You…
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Societie of Loyale British Subjekts Seen Counter-Protesting “No Kings” Rally
Asked to explain the Societie’s political principles, chapter leader Thomas Galloway responded, “We believe that the American founding wast an act of treason against our most benevolent and gracious monarch, King George III.
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Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
Last Tuesday, Phil the Phoenix was reported missing after failing to show up for a photo shoot with the badminton team. The cause of his disappearance was soon revealed to be the vengeful…
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Report: Guy Still Fucking Talking
Reporters say Brent may be leaking second-hand embarrassment into the classroom air, and scientists urge all students to evacuate.
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