“Pickles? In the reading rooms? Noooooooooo,” said Dean Melina Hale upon questioning. She then proceeded to shout, “They’re onto us!” into a walkie-talkie before running away.

First-year Harold Houdine, who lives in I-House, told the Dealer that “this new plan is actually pretty good. At least I don’t have to fucking walk to Baker.”

“I did alright on the model quizzes, but the model final exam was just too hard,” said Brenlo. “I had been out at the model frats that weekend, then went to the model…

"As sexual activity amongst the student body plummets, we should prepare to see a rise in petty theft, vandalism and arson," said Dr. Ivana Hafsecs, a sociologist at the University.

“We believe these requirements will reduce our endemic culture of hooliganism,” said a spokesperson for HRL when asked for comment.

“I always thought that Bart had so much potential... Now I see that he was just fucked all along,” said Dewey Higgins, Wiggins’ roommate, who has been doing his homework for him. 

“Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully fuck right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.

Phoenix AI, a well respected and beloved artificial intelligence tool created by the University of Chicago,  is reportedly nearing the end of its lifespan according to an anonymous tip.

In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, November 3, students living in Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons evacuated the building due to a fire alarm.

Recent reporting outside Bartlett Dining Commons reveals a devastating amount of lost earnings due to the unlawful consumption of dining hall food by squirrels on campus.