WASHINGTON– President Joe Biden has put to rest any doubts about his fitness to serve by killing a moose, with his bare hands on the White House front lawn.

Several upperclassmen were shocked to witness a visibly confused first-year doing schoolwork in Hallowed Grounds.

Mac Properties has recently announced its new Feudal Peasant Deal, allowing UChicago students to live out their dreams of being medieval farmers legally tethered to a patch of barren land.

On Tuesday, second-year bizcon students Bryan Johnson and Ryan Johnston launched their new website Futurismo, an advance booking system for apartments in Campus North.

The second-year Business Economics major insisted that an article on the pizza of Bartlett Dining Commons would captivate the readership of The Shady Dealer. “Dude, people would love that shit,” he explained.

Last Wednesday, students in Jewish Civilizations II observed an anonymous second-year working on a crossword for what can only be described as an extraordinary amount of time.

“It’s well known that 99% of gamblers quit right before they win big. $10,000 is quite big, but $10,000,000 is even bigger”, UChicago Gambling Club president, Adam Rouletteman, stated after the victory.

“Woodlawn Residential Commons is a place for students to feel welcome, and is often in very high demand for students to enter, especially on the weekends. We know our building is sought after…

The plan will require 36 painters, 5 months, 4 million dollars, and will make the weird glass library from Divergent look like a seasonal vegetable. UChicago has recently faced many public accusations of…