“I always thought that Bart had so much potential... Now I see that he was just fucked all along,” said Dewey Higgins, Wiggins’ roommate, who has been doing his homework for him. 

“Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully fuck right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.

Phoenix AI, a well respected and beloved artificial intelligence tool created by the University of Chicago,  is reportedly nearing the end of its lifespan according to an anonymous tip.

In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, November 3, students living in Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons evacuated the building due to a fire alarm.

Recent reporting outside Bartlett Dining Commons reveals a devastating amount of lost earnings due to the unlawful consumption of dining hall food by squirrels on campus. 

2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…

Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.”  Pilvin was not…

O’Higgins made the connection half an hour after meeting his roommate, who introduced himself as Brad Normal. “We were making small talk, just getting to know each other, when I thought, ‘Gee, he…

#3: Light Bulbs Squad According to one of our investigators who managed to join this elite, secretive “Squad,” the members sit in a red circle surrounded by unlit light bulbs in a dark…

“You idiots think we’re done with this thing?” shouted Mosser, “Hell no, we haven’t even started on the waterslide system yet!”