The only season she had previously been familiar with was Fire Season, though she contested that it was less of a season and more of a lifestyle.

“I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…

Grocery prices have risen over the past few years, and thanks to a smidgen of bird flu, eggs are more expensive than ever, at almost $5 a dozen in Illinois. Scandalous! If you’re…

When you think about it from a mathematical standpoint, the hyperbolic decay function tells us that the shift into negative numbers was inevitable,” explained Ethan Chu, who majored in Applied Mathematics before he…

Some students demand the return of real fries, while others argue sweet potato fries are a gateway to dark cults like veganism.

When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular…

There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must…

“While our legacy is defined by immolating, decapitating, drowning, and otherwise exterminating puppies with maximum prejudice, we recognize the need to change the narrative. We’re exploring the feasibility of potentially considering alternatives—someday.” 

After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.