The second-year Business Economics major insisted that an article on the pizza of Bartlett Dining Commons would captivate the readership of The Shady Dealer. “Dude, people would love that shit,” he explained.

Last Wednesday, students in Jewish Civilizations II observed an anonymous second-year working on a crossword for what can only be described as an extraordinary amount of time.

“It’s well known that 99% of gamblers quit right before they win big. $10,000 is quite big, but $10,000,000 is even bigger”, UChicago Gambling Club president, Adam Rouletteman, stated after the victory.

“Woodlawn Residential Commons is a place for students to feel welcome, and is often in very high demand for students to enter, especially on the weekends. We know our building is sought after…

The plan will require 36 painters, 5 months, 4 million dollars, and will make the weird glass library from Divergent look like a seasonal vegetable. UChicago has recently faced many public accusations of…

At long last, The University acknowledges these students, hears their soft-spoken, noncommittal cries, and answers with a major tailored to their majorlessness: The Indecisive Major.

“I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer.

Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!