Campus Life
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Point: Dining halls should strive to incorporate healthier cereals. Counterpoint: You can pry the Lucky Charms out of my cold, dead hands, bitch!
HOW DARE YOU. How do you sleep at night? You’re stealing JOY and WHIMSY from CHILDREN! I have Lucky Charms every day and I’m FINE! I LOVE RAINBOWS!
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Viktor Orbán Wins Bid for USG President
Launching his bid two weeks ago, Orbán decided to run, citing the near non-existent turnout in previous USG elections. “After realizing that when a lot of people voted, I would lose, I realized…
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Woodlawn to host a bake sale to raise money for new carpet! Cupcakes $20,000 each
“Make no mistake, this is not your average bakesale,” says Woodlawn resident Overa Chiever. “This is a UChicago exclusive bakesale. Please, buy a Marx Macaron. Or perhaps a Core Cupcake.”
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Your Old Humanities Paper Appears in Epstein Files
The greatest embarrassment from the files, in which your unredacted full name appears, was the “C” you received on the paper. In an email to journalist Michael Wolff, Epstein noted that “the odyysey…
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Calculus Textbook Explains Trigonometry as “IDK🤷”
According to a representative from Publish or Perish Inc., the textbook’s chapter on trigonometry is supposed to be a mathematically rigorous treatment of the subject. Instead, Professor Lawrence Gamble opened his textbook to…
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Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher “Professor,” Dies of Shame
The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. “I hadn’t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,” Finklewhite said through…
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Heartwarming: SGFC Gives RSO $7.49 for Trip to Washington, D.C.
“We’d already tried a bake sale, a hot cocoa sale, a silent auction,” Poynting said. “We even sold tickets to our debate on energy policy! But we just weren’t raising money.” As a…
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Heartwarming: Student Saves World with Donation to Group Tabling in Reynolds
“The UChicago World-Saving Club’s mission is to save the world,” said Jamie “The Guy Who Was Tabling Last Week” Ulrich. “And we mean that literally. Like, an asteroid was hurtling towards Earth. We…
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University to Require Incoming Students to Sign Waiver to Use Cobb Staircase
Students call the policy “short-sighted” and “blame-shifting bullshit.” “A waiver’s not gonna fix the fact that you feel like you’re going to slip and die every time you have to run down the…
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I-House Bake Sale Raises Enough Money to Move Building Closer to Campus
Due to the runaway success of the recent I-House bake sale, the dorm has raised enough money to move their entire building into the Midway. The new location, right beside the Midway Skating…
