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New Dorm Check-In Policy to Require Retinal Scan, Fingerprints
“We believe these requirements will reduce our endemic culture of hooliganism,” said a spokesperson for HRL when asked for comment.
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Incoming First-Year Didn’t Realize He’d Actually Have to Do His Psets
“I always thought that Bart had so much potential... Now I see that he was just fucked all along,” said Dewey Higgins, Wiggins’ roommate, who has been doing his homework for him.
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Sorry! Cool RSO Just One Friend Group That Hates You
“Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully fuck right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.
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Breaking: PhoenixAI to Shut Down Amid Concerns that Non-Econ Majors are Using It.
Phoenix AI, a well respected and beloved artificial intelligence tool created by the University of Chicago, is reportedly nearing the end of its lifespan according to an anonymous tip.
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Balloon Triggers South Fire Alarm; Officials Raise Concerns About Chinese Involvement
In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, November 3, students living in Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons evacuated the building due to a fire alarm.
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For Years, Campus Squirrels Have Circumvented Meal Swipes: “It’s Time to Make Them Pay”
Recent reporting outside Bartlett Dining Commons reveals a devastating amount of lost earnings due to the unlawful consumption of dining hall food by squirrels on campus.
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Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors at UChicago
2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…
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Naive First-Year Still Thinks He Will Have Same Academic Advisor All Four Years
Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.” Pilvin was not…
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First-Year’s Roommate Bears Suspiciously Striking Resemblance to D.B. Cooper
O’Higgins made the connection half an hour after meeting his roommate, who introduced himself as Brad Normal. “We were making small talk, just getting to know each other, when I thought, ‘Gee, he…
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Extra! Extra! Fresh RSO Ads Here!
#3: Light Bulbs Squad According to one of our investigators who managed to join this elite, secretive “Squad,” the members sit in a red circle surrounded by unlit light bulbs in a dark…