Campus Life
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Twelve Ways to React When Someone Says Something You Disagree With in Class
If you’re like me, you’ve spent many sleepless nights wondering what you can do when a thing like this happens. Luckily, after consuming what would for a normal person be a dangerous quantity…
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Analyzing Melina Hale’s Welcome Video for Avant-Garde Sensibilities
At 0:05, there’s a little maroon box next to Hale’s name. This represents the dichotomy between thinking “inside the box” and “outside the box.”
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Maroon Wins Pulitzer Prize for “Courageous” Reporting on Reg Bathroom Closure
This year’s winning piece, ‘Reg Bathroom Has Been Closed for Five Weeks Now; Probably Getting Fixed Soon,’ reminds us of what’s really important—plumbing.”
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Odyssey Scholars Program replaced by David Rubenstein Sugar Baby Program
Incoming students from low-income backgrounds will be able to come to the school in exchange for their sexual services to the investors of the DRSB fund. At first, the DRSB fund will be…
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An Open Letter to My Professors: If Congress Can Take a Vacation When They Have Work to Do, Why Can’t I?
After all, it’s not like airport lines will get any longer if I don’t finish reading Old Man Goriot by Tuesday. It’s not like gas prices will continue to climb if I don’t…
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Point: Dining halls should strive to incorporate healthier cereals. Counterpoint: You can pry the Lucky Charms out of my cold, dead hands, bitch!
HOW DARE YOU. How do you sleep at night? You’re stealing JOY and WHIMSY from CHILDREN! I have Lucky Charms every day and I’m FINE! I LOVE RAINBOWS!
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Viktor Orbán Wins Bid for USG President
Launching his bid two weeks ago, Orbán decided to run, citing the near non-existent turnout in previous USG elections. “After realizing that when a lot of people voted, I would lose, I realized…
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Woodlawn to host a bake sale to raise money for new carpet! Cupcakes $20,000 each
“Make no mistake, this is not your average bakesale,” says Woodlawn resident Overa Chiever. “This is a UChicago exclusive bakesale. Please, buy a Marx Macaron. Or perhaps a Core Cupcake.”
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Your Old Humanities Paper Appears in Epstein Files
The greatest embarrassment from the files, in which your unredacted full name appears, was the “C” you received on the paper. In an email to journalist Michael Wolff, Epstein noted that “the odyysey…
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Calculus Textbook Explains Trigonometry as “IDK🤷”
According to a representative from Publish or Perish Inc., the textbook’s chapter on trigonometry is supposed to be a mathematically rigorous treatment of the subject. Instead, Professor Lawrence Gamble opened his textbook to…
