When you think about it from a mathematical standpoint, the hyperbolic decay function tells us that the shift into negative numbers was inevitable,” explained Ethan Chu, who majored in Applied Mathematics before he…

Some students demand the return of real fries, while others argue sweet potato fries are a gateway to dark cults like veganism.

When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular…

There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must…

“While our legacy is defined by immolating, decapitating, drowning, and otherwise exterminating puppies with maximum prejudice, we recognize the need to change the narrative. We’re exploring the feasibility of potentially considering alternatives—someday.” 

After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.

“I just saw a Sidechat post about a bicycle. Who is Dean Boyer? Is he like a student or something?”

Is all this security really necessary? For your convenience and my sanity, we propose some reasonable alternatives to DUO two-factor authentication.

In an exclusive interview, Myers told The Dealer, “I got tired of walking backwards, wildly gesticulating, explaining that I personally picked this school because my dad went here, and telling prospective students that…