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Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
The humming was tantalizing, the stone shone with evil intentions, and the chain smoked as I held the amulet up to the fluorescent lights. The robot arms in the basement of Mansueto now…
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Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
The Dealer contacted Pope Leo, who began answering in Latin, before saying “Oh shit! I’m American.” In response to his class not being offered due to funding constraints, Leo told the Dealer that…
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Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
In what appears to be a logistical error, President Trump sent several bulldozers to the East Wing of Woodlawn instead of the East Wing of the White House owing to confusion over Google…
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All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
When asked whether the students could be swapped back into Microeconomics, Coil announced that she had a prior commitment she had forgotten about and needed to end the interview immediately.
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First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
Since receiving the reprimand, Hawkins has found himself agonizing over how sad he even was in the first place. “I mean, it makes sense that I would miss my family, but only on…
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University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
In order to accommodate the influx of Seans, house leaders have begun using strangely specific nicknames. Sean “Receding Hairline” Q commented, “The nicknames are not accurate or helpful. I’m clearly the best Sean…
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12 Days of UChicago Finals
On the twelfth day of finals, my college gave to me:
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10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
It’s officially cuffing season! But as we know at the University of Chicago, some things are better in theory than in practice, and it’s hard to maintain a loving relationship when you have…
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Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg
“Say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer, and hello to Adder-fall! Autumn up your undiagnosed anxiety disorder with new Pumpkin Spice Adderall®, available from your local dealer today! (While supplies last. Do not consume…
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President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
After the University of Chicago rose to sixth place in the US News & World Report’s college rankings, newly re-elected President Paul Alivisatos was found at Phi Gamma Delta’s house Thursday morning passed…
