In a move to close its growing $288 million budget deficit, the University of Chicago has announced a new tiered library access system, Library+.

We’re all college students. We’re perfectly aware that the BEEP BEEP BEEP of the fire alarm means “GET OUTSIDE YOU UTTER IMBECILE” or “FRED FORGOT TO ADD WATER TO THE MAC AND CHEESE…

To cut costs, Molecular Engineering professors were rushed to the scene in lieu of real civil engineers.

“It’s been neat playing around with this whole ‘expanding your capacity to engage critically with challenging ideas’ and ‘deepening your understanding of your role in an ever-changing world’ routine, but it’s time to…

"I think I'll give them a few more minutes," Francisco murmured to the empty screen. He took a sip of lukewarm coffee and practiced once more his opening line, "Hey everyone, so glad…

Like, seriously, how do you break that window? It’s huge, and difficult to even crack. And someone broke it entirely! Did they, like, throw a table at it or something? At least it…

The University has assured the public that they are doing everything they can, including calling out the students' GPAs and SAT scores in the hopes that they might be lured out by the…

When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”

Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech…