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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Arts & Culture,  Campus Life

    “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / October 12, 2025

    “It’s funny you mention Tennessee Williams, because he was actually a contemporary of Seuss,” said Bowles with a slight chuckle.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College

    Andrea Zhou / October 11, 2025

    If successful, he would defeat the current record held by Jack McSprint, an alumnus who graduated with the Class of 1994 in two and a half years with a Bachelor of Arts in…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books

    Niles Crane / October 5, 2025

    In a move to close its growing $288 million budget deficit, the University of Chicago has announced a new tiered library access system, Library+.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead

    Andrea Zhou / October 4, 2025

    We’re all college students. We’re perfectly aware that the BEEP BEEP BEEP of the fire alarm means “GET OUTSIDE YOU UTTER IMBECILE” or “FRED FORGOT TO ADD WATER TO THE MAC AND CHEESE…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road

    Justin Bilenker / October 2, 2025

    To cut costs, Molecular Engineering professors were rushed to the scene in lieu of real civil engineers.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / October 1, 2025

    “It’s been neat playing around with this whole ‘expanding your capacity to engage critically with challenging ideas’ and ‘deepening your understanding of your role in an ever-changing world’ routine, but it’s time to…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Peer Mentor “Thrilled” for Group Meeting, Spends 45 Minutes on a Lonely Zoom Call

    Niles Crane / September 27, 2025

    "I think I'll give them a few more minutes," Francisco murmured to the empty screen. He took a sip of lukewarm coffee and practiced once more his opening line, "Hey everyone, so glad…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Some Motherfucker Broke the Woodlawn Study Room Window over the Summer, Haha!

    Vivian Psylos / September 26, 2025

    Like, seriously, how do you break that window? It’s huge, and difficult to even crack. And someone broke it entirely! Did they, like, throw a table at it or something? At least it…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Waitlisted Students Rejoice! Five First-Years Have Gone Missing in the MSI Mirror Maze

    Niles Crane / September 25, 2025

    The University has assured the public that they are doing everything they can, including calling out the students' GPAs and SAT scores in the hopes that they might be lured out by the…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / June 12, 2025

    When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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