Campus Life
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University to Require Incoming Students to Sign Waiver to Use Cobb Staircase
Students call the policy “short-sighted” and “blame-shifting bullshit.” “A waiver’s not gonna fix the fact that you feel like you’re going to slip and die every time you have to run down the…
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I-House Bake Sale Raises Enough Money to Move Building Closer to Campus
Due to the runaway success of the recent I-House bake sale, the dorm has raised enough money to move their entire building into the Midway. The new location, right beside the Midway Skating…
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50 History Majors Agree to “Just Share” Required Textbook
This quarter, for her class “Early American Politics and Political Culture,” Rayner is trying a new policy. Each of her fifty students will get the Regenstein Library’s copy of the required textbook for…
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Applications Open for Admissions Office’s “Spontaneous University Compliment Squad”
According to an early version of the application, students selected for SUCS will download an app that allows tour guides to call groups of them to certain locations at a moment’s notice, where…
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Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
They must be ignoring you. How else could they miss your second peek? Time to escalate. Drum your pencil on your notebook a little. Give them a taste of the pain they’re inflicting…
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University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
Students enrolled in the PMECP can expect the same, if not greater, academic rigor in the afterlife as on the material plane. This will involve weekly problem sets, midterms, language requirements (all students…
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Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
“I heard about the fire alarm incident at Woodlawn, and it hit a little too close to home,” said Higgins. “My grandmother died from fire alarm-induced hypothermia back in ‘09. The thought of…
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Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
For those UChicago students unaware of the concept of grade inflation (that’s inflation with an “I”, by the way, not deflation with a “D”), it is the wonderful idea that if you just…
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Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
Oh, you sweet summer child (well, frost-bitten husk drifting from Bartlett to the Reg like everyone else). You came here from California expecting what, exactly? A light breeze? A brisk 50 degrees?
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Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
You’ll remember this interview even if I don’t give you a T-shirt, won’t you? So the whole T-shirt business boils down to an unnecessary expense,” said Niro, thoughtfully stroking his bust of Milton…
