When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”

Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech…

#2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are.

The Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!” 

The soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where…

If you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky.

“We are asking around to make sure the click didn’t come from one of our staff, and so far, it hasn’t.”

The recommendation, published in a 300-page working paper entitled “Invisible Hands, Visible Fees,” outlines a dynamic pricing model in which students from abroad would pay additional “access tariffs” to enroll in classes, attend…

The message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are…