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Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You
It seems to me you still have a highly a posteriori frame of mind. But fiat justitia ruat caelum, nevertheless.
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Quantum Mechanics Final to Be Held in One of Seven Locations
"Due to the quantum uncertainty principle, because we know exactly when the exam will be, we are unable to determine exactly where the exam will be until it happens and is observed."
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Student From California Confused by Cold Weather, Assumes Snow Is Ash from Nearby Wildfire
The only season she had previously been familiar with was Fire Season, though she contested that it was less of a season and more of a lifestyle.
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“Could You Clarify What You Mean by That?” Asks Professor Who Hates You
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…
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5 Things to Bean at Your Frat Pledges Instead of Eggs
Grocery prices have risen over the past few years, and thanks to a smidgen of bird flu, eggs are more expensive than ever, at almost $5 a dozen in Illinois. Scandalous! If you’re…
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UChicago Acceptance Rate Falls Below 0%, Current Students Must Reapply
When you think about it from a mathematical standpoint, the hyperbolic decay function tells us that the shift into negative numbers was inevitable,” explained Ethan Chu, who majored in Applied Mathematics before he…
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Another Woke Liberal Lie, Dining Hall French Fry Not Actually French
Some students demand the return of real fries, while others argue sweet potato fries are a gateway to dark cults like veganism.
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UChicago Accidentally Sugars Campus Sidewalks Instead of Salting Them
When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular…
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Freshman Discovers New Theorem Explaining Why You Always See Your Opps in A-Level
There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must…
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UChicago Launches Puppy Killing Prevention Institute, Funded by John D. PuppyKiller
“While our legacy is defined by immolating, decapitating, drowning, and otherwise exterminating puppies with maximum prejudice, we recognize the need to change the narrative. We’re exploring the feasibility of potentially considering alternatives—someday.”
