-
Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
Last Tuesday, Phil the Phoenix was reported missing after failing to show up for a photo shoot with the badminton team. The cause of his disappearance was soon revealed to be the vengeful…
-
-
House Council Begs First Years to Carry On Legacy
“Please join!” the House Council President begged on his knees at the mandatory house meeting, as students shifted uneasily while waiting to be let out. First-years report door-knocking at midnight, creepy voices whispering…
-
First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
“I swear I won’t let this happen again,” he sobbed. Tragically, at this point in the interview, a ray of sunshine came through the windowblind and fell upon Jasonson’s face, leading him to…
-
“Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
“It’s funny you mention Tennessee Williams, because he was actually a contemporary of Seuss,” said Bowles with a slight chuckle.
-
First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
If successful, he would defeat the current record held by Jack McSprint, an alumnus who graduated with the Class of 1994 in two and a half years with a Bachelor of Arts in…
-
UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
In a move to close its growing $288 million budget deficit, the University of Chicago has announced a new tiered library access system, Library+.
-
Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
We’re all college students. We’re perfectly aware that the BEEP BEEP BEEP of the fire alarm means “GET OUTSIDE YOU UTTER IMBECILE” or “FRED FORGOT TO ADD WATER TO THE MAC AND CHEESE…
-
Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
To cut costs, Molecular Engineering professors were rushed to the scene in lieu of real civil engineers.
-
“Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting
“It’s been neat playing around with this whole ‘expanding your capacity to engage critically with challenging ideas’ and ‘deepening your understanding of your role in an ever-changing world’ routine, but it’s time to…
