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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

    Daniel Sipes / May 28, 2025

    If you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Non-political Maroon Article Gets View

    Justin Bilenker / May 27, 2025

    “We are asking around to make sure the click didn’t come from one of our staff, and so far, it hasn’t.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students

    Michael Wagner / May 21, 2025

    The recommendation, published in a 300-page working paper entitled “Invisible Hands, Visible Fees,” outlines a dynamic pricing model in which students from abroad would pay additional “access tariffs” to enroll in classes, attend…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells

    Maisie Thompson / May 19, 2025

    The message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Rockefeller Chapel to Get Sleek, Cool Upgrade Once They Figure Out Who Put That Scaffolding Up There.

    Pauline Singer / May 14, 2025

    University leadership admitted in a press conference Tuesday that the scaffolding was not actually theirs. When asked how this could have happened, University President Paul Alivisatos dabbed his forehead with a gold monogrammed…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture

    Noah Burdick / May 2, 2025

    "I applied ED to this derelict institution under the fatuous impression that it was still a citadel of higher thought. Yet with each passing day I am compoundingly impelled to think that we…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover

    Elliot Florack / May 1, 2025

    Hale’s actions have spurred rumors that UChicago is trying to take over a school with fewer Big Ten football wins than it (UChicago 7, Northwestern 0). 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt

    Edward "Snowman" Snowden / April 30, 2025

    “Letting Phoenix AI tell the few students who didn't know about the University’s debts would’ve killed the last bit of fun they had left. Come on, let ‘em live a little.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 10, 2025

    It seems to me you still have a highly a posteriori frame of mind. But fiat justitia ruat caelum, nevertheless.

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Scientific Excellence

    Quantum Mechanics Final to Be Held in One of Seven Locations

    Alasdair Greenland / April 9, 2025

    "Due to the quantum uncertainty principle, because we know exactly when the exam will be, we are unable to determine exactly where the exam will be until it happens and is observed."

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
  • Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
  • Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
  • Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
  • Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
  • UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
  • “The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
  • Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells

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