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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture

    Noah Burdick / May 2, 2025

    "I applied ED to this derelict institution under the fatuous impression that it was still a citadel of higher thought. Yet with each passing day I am compoundingly impelled to think that we…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover

    Elliot Florack / May 1, 2025

    Hale’s actions have spurred rumors that UChicago is trying to take over a school with fewer Big Ten football wins than it (UChicago 7, Northwestern 0). 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt

    Edward "Snowman" Snowden / April 30, 2025

    “Letting Phoenix AI tell the few students who didn't know about the University’s debts would’ve killed the last bit of fun they had left. Come on, let ‘em live a little.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 10, 2025

    It seems to me you still have a highly a posteriori frame of mind. But fiat justitia ruat caelum, nevertheless.

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Scientific Excellence

    Quantum Mechanics Final to Be Held in One of Seven Locations

    Alasdair Greenland / April 9, 2025

    "Due to the quantum uncertainty principle, because we know exactly when the exam will be, we are unable to determine exactly where the exam will be until it happens and is observed."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Student From California Confused by Cold Weather, Assumes Snow Is Ash from Nearby Wildfire

    Audrey Smith / April 1, 2025

    The only season she had previously been familiar with was Fire Season, though she contested that it was less of a season and more of a lifestyle.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Could You Clarify What You Mean by That?” Asks Professor Who Hates You

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / March 29, 2025

    “I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    5 Things to Bean at Your Frat Pledges Instead of Eggs

    Justin Bilenker / March 28, 2025

    Grocery prices have risen over the past few years, and thanks to a smidgen of bird flu, eggs are more expensive than ever, at almost $5 a dozen in Illinois. Scandalous! If you’re…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Acceptance Rate Falls Below 0%, Current Students Must Reapply

    Audrey Smith / March 27, 2025

    When you think about it from a mathematical standpoint, the hyperbolic decay function tells us that the shift into negative numbers was inevitable,” explained Ethan Chu, who majored in Applied Mathematics before he…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Another Woke Liberal Lie, Dining Hall French Fry Not Actually French

    Michael Wagner / March 24, 2025

    Some students demand the return of real fries, while others argue sweet potato fries are a gateway to dark cults like veganism.

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
  • Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture
  • UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover
  • Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt
  • Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
  • Joe Rogan to Star as Catherine Earnshaw in New Wuthering Heights Adaptation
  • Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE
  • America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang
  • Recent Study Shows Ominous Whistling in Hallway Growing Steadily Closer
  • Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You

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