By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 “Student” “Government” “Earns” “Stipend” The “University” of “Chicago” “Student” “Government” “voted” Thursday to establish a “new” “executive” committee whose five “members” would be “granted” $1000 “stipends”…

By Pseudonym Nov. 16, 2014 Sources confirm that student Giles Froman received fellatio from his grade point average on the second floor of Max Palevksy Residential College last Friday night. Though there were…

By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 A report released Thursday by the University’s Health Promotion and Wellness department confirmed that several puppies brought onto campus as part of the Pet Love program have…

By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The Human Cannonball has entered the canon, observers report. The release of The Cannonball has been heralded as “a major event in the world of entertainment” for…

By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 1. 1991 2. 1992 3. 1993 4. 1994 5. 1995 6. 1996 7. 1997 8. 1998 9. 1999 10. 2000 11. 2001 12. 2002 14. 2003 15.…

By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal…

By Walker King (1939) Jan. 24, 2014 Speaking from his home in Berlin, Adolph Hitler gave a powerful address today to the German people: they must stay united if they ever hope to…

By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 24, 2013 In an interview conducted last week, third-year in the College Jacob Sandilson confirmed that he really enjoyed studying a broad last summer. There had been rumors among…

By Second Snow Nov. 9, 2013 Every year, when November rears its head, all of us snows gather in the Snowzone Layer to catch up and chew the slush. Uncle Frost-Eyes took the…

By Ryan Keem Oct. 18, 2013 The Illinois Department of Labor has rated the University of Chicago’s Joe and Rika Mansueto Library a 9.1 on its Busy Little Fingers scale of youth-driven industrial…