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CPD Aims to Strengthen Community Relationships with “Fuck the Police” Initiative
By Alex Dunlap March 1, 2015 The Chicago Police Department announced this week a groundbreaking initiative that aims to “rethink the way that citizens interact with their police force,” according to a statement…
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Freak Freshman Hasn’t Lined up Internships for Next Four Summers Yet
By Daniel Betancourt Feb. 24, 2013 Considered startlingly reckless by his peers and superiors, UChicago first-year Raymond Santos has completely failed to secure a job or internship for every summer of his college…
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UC Leaks
By Leaked Docs Reveal Budgetary Chaos and Ambitious Plans Aug. 25, 2017 On August 8, a CSD reporter from the Dealer identified sSeventy– eight pages of internal uUniversity documents amidst a stack of…
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Sexual Experimentation Fails Peer Review
By Morgan Pantuck and Reed Thurston April 23, 2016 A controversial study submitted to the New England Journal of Medicine was officially rejected for publication this past weekend following peer review. “Butt Stuff:…
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News in Brief: November 20, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 20, 2014 Commander of UChicago Electronic Army to Undergo Micropenis Correction Surgery Sources confirm that the anonymous commander of the UChicago Electronic Army is preparing to undergo a…
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Using Local Resources, Peer Health Exchange Begins Educational Programs for UChicago Students
By Jeremy Wilson Nov. 10, 2012 Peer Health Exchange (PHE) recently expanded their mission from promoting safe sex practices in the surrounding community to helping UChicago students understand how to have sex. In…
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Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of Blood
By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of BloodBy Thomas Noriega In an unexpected turn, only one trio of students announced their candidacy for the Executive Slate…
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Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow: “I am Not a Crook!”
By Breck Radulovic, 1871 Jan. 22, 2016 To the Editor: Recent accusations of arson against me have deeply troubled my conscience, and I am writing from the confines of Cook County jail to…
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Ask Disastrously Misapplied Nietszche
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 Dear Disastrously Misapplied Nietzsche, My boyfriend won’t stop emailing with his ex. He told me that he’d stopped talking to her, but I logged on to his…
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Sexually Repressed First-Years Upset Over Record Low Numbers of “Turkey Drop” Break-Ups
By Marc Whyte Nov. 25, 2018 Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family,…
