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All It Took Was Melting in My Car to Realize That I Am a Robot
By Antonia Salisbury Aug. 7, 2018 95 degrees and climbing. It is very hot in this car. I can only assume that these words I write will be some of my last if…
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TA Rebrands Discussion Section as “Darties” in Hope Someone Will Actually Show Up
By By Dumbo McGonagall May 25, 2018 In response to declining attendance and a total abandonment of moral fiber, your TA has decided to take matters into their own hands and has sent…
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Columbian Exposition Artifacts the Obama Center Doesn’t Want You To Know About
By Ella Hester April 20, 2018 Historians are rejoicing while the Obamas are gasping in horror! As the Obama Presidential Center and Library gears up to break ground, archaeologists have found many relics…
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Canada Geese Migrate South as Spring Approaches
By Diego Matamoros Feb. 20, 2018 A Flock of Canada Geese leaving Hyde Park for the Summer Spring has arrived in Chicago, and with it the familiar scenes that mark the changing of…
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Alt-Right Twitter Demands New Oscars Categories for Best Crisis Actor/Actress in a Leading Role
By Thomas Noriega Feb. 19, 2018 As the greatest actors and actresses in the world are honored tonight for their hard work on screen, the right wing of the Twittersphere has been crying out…
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Dean Ellison Is Always Naked Under His Clothes and I Hate It
By Concerned Reader Oct. 18, 2017 I wish to call your attention to a horrific fact. John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students at the University of Chicago, is naked under his clothes. Let…
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Paul Manafort Falls for the Ol’ “Diplomatic Immunity Under a Box Propped Up by a Stick” Trick
By By Reed Thurston Oct. 17, 2017 According to our political correspondents in Washington, D.C., the ongoing federal Investigation into Russia’s 2016 election interferenceinfluence made new headway earlier this week i in the…
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5 Things You CAN Stare at directly
By Nik Varley Aug. 23, 2017 The Solar Eclipse has come and gone, which means that you can go back to staring at anything for as long as you want! Here are our…
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Who Said it? Bachelorette Contestant or a White House Communications Director
By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 2, 2017 Who Said It: A Bachelorette Contestant or A Former White House Communications Director? 1. “You’re damn right I enjoy pissing him off.” Bachelorette Contestant or Communications Director?…
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“Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster
By Jacob Johnson April 24, 2017 Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison,…
