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2013 State of the Union: Arkansas
By Mark Sands Feb. 11, 2013 The Chicago Shady Dealer has obtained an early version of the address that President Obama will deliver tonight in his much-anticipated State of the Union Address. We…
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Coffee and Doughnuts without President Zimmer draws thousands.
By Peter Berkowitz Jan. 13, 2013 After years of dwindling attendance at the quarterly Coffee and Doughnuts with President Zimmer, Student Government held its first Coffee and Doughnuts without President Zimmer this past…
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President Pardons Two Turduckens in Thanksgiving Ritual
By Matt Montequin Nov. 13, 2012 President Robert Zimmer took to Midway Plaisance on Wednesday for the annual Presidential T?urducken Pardon, surprising onlookers when he chose to spare not one, but two turduckens…
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Romney/Ryan Fan-Fiction Hard for Campaign to Swallow
By Maya Handa Oct. 30, 2012 Presidential candidate Willard Mitt Romney and running mate Paul Something Folksy Ryan announced yesterday in a consensual press conference that they were deeply disturbed to have discovered…
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Introducing: Datamatch <3
By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019 Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, — well actually,…
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How to Spend the Winter Alone: A How-To Guide on Planning a Snowball Fight for One
By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Maybe you were late to cuffing season. Or maybe you’ve been banned from participating in your friend group’s Secret Santa after spending $0.07 over the limit for Janet last…
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Bartlett Rats Strike, Citing Declining Quality of Food
By Cameron Edgington Nov. 2, 2018 As autumn descends upon us and temperatures lower across the nation, animals of all shapes and sizes seek warmth and cover, collecting enough food to last…
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“Wait, That’s Where UChicago Is?” Exclaims Gleacher Center Student
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 22, 2018 Economics M.A. Mathis Birman collapsed this week upon hearing that UChicago is actually on the South Side of Chicago, not nestled in the gleaming utopia of the…
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US News Ranked Us #3 For a Reason: Here’s How to Pee and Poop at the Same Time
By David North Sept. 24, 2018 This year, in their annual college rankings, U.S. News awarded the University of Chicago a seven-way tie for third-best university. The University of Chicago consistently tops…
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Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage
By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It…
