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Bartlett Rats Strike, Citing Declining Quality of Food
By Cameron Edgington Nov. 2, 2018 As autumn descends upon us and temperatures lower across the nation, animals of all shapes and sizes seek warmth and cover, collecting enough food to last…
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No, I’m Not a Fuccboi; Yes, I’m Sleeping with Both Girls in My SOSC Class
By Liam Coles Jan. 17, 2017 Recently, I had an experience, which I found not only wildly offensive but also frankly inaccurate. My good friend David and I were hanging out, and I…
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Blackouts End as Gentrification Begins
By Grace Quigley Nov. 2, 2015 DETROIT– Economists and demographers have noted a distinct negative correlation between blackouts and gentrification in certain neighborhoods here following the Great Recession of 2008. .In the turmoil…
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New Evidence Suggests Odyssey May Not Be Historically Accurate
By Noah Lemelson Dec. 24, 2013 Yesterday, a report from the University of Chicago Institute for the Study of Ancient Greco-Roman History claimed to have found textual inconsistencies in Homer’s telling of The…
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LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett’s Class Day Speech
By None May 25, 2018 I can almost see itThat dream I’m dreaming butThere’s a voice inside my head sayingYou’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no…
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Linguists Plead for Desexualization of “Girth”
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 8, 2016 Nearly 100 members of the Linguistic Society of America signed an open letter to the public this weekend detailing “the necessity of desexualizing the word ‘girth,’” the…
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Will You be a That Kid, or are You Already a That Kid?
By Nico Aldape July 26, 2015 1. To what degree do you think you know everything? a. This quiz looks pretty hard. b. I’m average, I guess c. I feel reasonably confident in…
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I Wanted to Have an O-mance with Her, but Her Internship Prospects Just weren’t good enough
By Mark Sands Aug. 2, 2013 There’s a cute girl in my advising group. I get that she’s attractive, but she has no future. She said she wants a Ph.D. in Sociology. If…
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Alt-Right Twitter Demands New Oscars Categories for Best Crisis Actor/Actress in a Leading Role
By Thomas Noriega Feb. 19, 2018 As the greatest actors and actresses in the world are honored tonight for their hard work on screen, the right wing of the Twittersphere has been crying out…
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We ‘Ship Shipping Interns With Shipping Internships
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Internships for shipping interns, shipped in turn: Chip “Whip” Kipp with Ship Shipping An internship that ships a ship? That ‘ship’s so hip for Chip “Whip” Kipp,…
