By Harry Weinstein Dec. 5, 2018 Last Thursday, Dean John Boyer unveiled a new wellness initiative: Dental Health Awareness Week. Dean Boyer said the campaign was put in place to ensure no student forgets…

By Antonia Salisbury, 3760 B.C.E. Feb. 2, 2017 On the sixth day, God’s mom read him Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg – and from this fever dream of a children’s book, Adam’s image…

By Nico Aldape Nov. 17, 2015 I am gender-blind – I don’t see gender. Contrary to popular opinion and fact, the male gender is being oppressed due to reverse sexism. As a man,…

By Mary Vansuch Feb. 20, 2014 Whales rallied throughout the ocean yesterday in protest against recent efforts on the part of ecologically sensitive sea mammals to “Save the Patriarchy.” Protesters wondered why the…

By Thomas Noriega Sept. 24, 2018 I was feeling a bit restless and my sex life was spiraling into abject boredom. Vanilla hookups weren’t doing anything for me and I’d masturbated to everything…

By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 The United States of America confirmed this week that they have separated into seven distinct sovereign nationsstates. The countriey’s‘ media representative told the Shady Dealer that the…

By Zoe Kaiser Oct. 8, 2015 A donor, who has elected to remain anonymous, has offered the University of Chicago 500 million dollars to rename one of the houses being moved to North…

By Maya Handa Oct. 20, 2013 The fashionable peacoat you envisioned yourself wearing as you trotted from class to class in the high, pointy leather boots. The winter coat you left at home…

By Milena Pross April 20, 2018 Suspicious, indeed. After a three year long investigation, the Shady Dealer has concluded that the firehouse located on 55th Street between University and Woodlawn Avenues is not…

By Jacob Johnson Oct. 10, 2016 Gary Johnson (Sleepy Gary) Originally born in the far-away land of Aleppo, Sleepy Gary was cursed as a child by an evil witch from childhood to fall…