By Milena Pross Oct. 27, 2015 As many campus beefs go nowadays, it all started with a tweet. Last week, John “Jay” Ellison, the Ddean of Sstudents in the College, using the Twitter…

By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 24, 2013 In an interview conducted last week, third-year in the College Jacob Sandilson confirmed that he really enjoyed studying a broad last summer. There had been rumors among…

By Heinrich Beckenbauer May 5, 2018 Freiburg, 1927 As we all know, Martin Heidegger’s monumental work Being and Time delineates and delimitates the trio of fruminous characteristics which are characteristic of his most original…

By Shira Eisenberg Oct. 26, 2016 Whether you’re home for the holidays or poppin‘ some acid and camping out in Mansueto, here are some sure fire ways to getcha into the Christmas spirit.Whether…

By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 Victims’ Families Find Comfort in Protracted Legal Battle Convicted murderer Hollis Rhoper, better known as “The the “Falsetto Killer,” has received a deathcapital sentence on Wednesday for…

By Zach Augustine Aug. 2, 2013 Incoming first-year Sally Danderson is determined to finally solve not one but several of the vital issues that have been plaguing philosophy for all of recorded human…

By Student Health Services Oct. 17, 2017 Don’t catch feels this quarter! Autumn has officially arrived, which means it’s time for everyone to get their annual feels vaccine. The CDC estimates that on…

By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…

By Si Squires-Kasten Feb. 1, 2015 NEW YORK November 19, 2159 On Tuesday, Person (née People) Magazine awarded Juwan Murphy, the sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust of 2158, the title of “Sexiest…

By Various Feb. 4, 2013 It is a Good Idea for Us to Invade Afghanistan By Raymond Aloysius Chatterton III 1838 – Afghanistan will be the next step in the glorious expansion of…