By Jacob Johnson April 25, 2017 Jacob Johnson Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin” In an inexplicable turn of events, the University’s Office of Admissions confirmed this Sunday that the entire incoming class…

By Nico Aldape Feb. 18, 2016 After a careful, objective investigation, sources close to the Shady Dealer are reporting that apathetic area man Stanley Novovoselic is actually just pathetic. “I mean, I thought…

By the Reg Elevators Oct. 24, 2014 Mmm, yes. The sweet taste of frustration and the odor of despair. I live for your sorrow. I feast on your tears. You arrive with your…

By Harry Weinstein Jan. 30, 2019   Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like…

By Milena Prossus, Pompeii 79 C.E. Feb. 6, 2017 Dear Mount Vesuvius, After gaining the courage I needed from my remaining friends and family, I finally feel comfortable saying this. You BROKE MY…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 According to Shady Dealer reporters, at Bar Night on January 6, y 10th, third-year Lisa D’Angelo thought experimented for the first time with a woman by, as…

By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 24, 2014 According to sources at the University of Chicago Humor Magazine, this one kid will just not stop suggesting articles about incest. The phenomenon began in December 2013,…

By JJ Zheng Oct. 8, 2018 Credit: Getty Images Dr. Richard Thaler, recipient of the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics, is reportedly feeling depressed after news of the 2018 recipients broke this morning.…

By Chase Harrison and Milena Pross Dec. 3, 2016 The Institute of Politics announced that former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will be a fellow in residence this winter. Clinton will host a series…

By Mary Vansuch Oct. 16, 2015 Yesterday, Bret Whitefish was just another second-year economics major. Today, however, he became a national American hero. Feeling sorry for Senator Bernie Sanders’ economic ignorance, the second-year…