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To Counter the Influence of Old Corporate Billionaires, Let’s Elect a Bunch of Young Environmentalist Tech Billionaires
By The DNC March 9, 2017 November was an absolute shellacking. We now only have six states with both Democratic governors and state legislatures. Now that Tom Perez has won the DNC Chairmanship,…
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QUIZ: What’s your Body Type?
By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 13, 2016 Here at the Dealer, we don’t subscribe to the notion that there’s only one type of physical beauty. We think all women can find things to hate…
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Pope Courting Young Voters in Election Year
By Walker King April 20, 2014 Pope Francis made a series of campaign appearances yesterday throughout the Vatican, strongly reaffirming his commitment to seeking the youth vote in the impending Papal election, where…
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Max Palevsky to Donate Another Fifteen Dollars for New Dorm
By Patrick Sheehan Nov. 2, 2018 Citing the success of his last “micro-donation,” Max Palevsky has decided to devote another fifteen dollars to open a new complex of dormitories at UChicago. President Zimmer,…
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Everyone Has a Price. Mine Is Three Pickles.
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 I remember my first day in economics. The professor, who shall not be named for anonymity’s sake, went into his first lecture of the year beginning ,s.…
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Number Without Units Hilarious
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 19, 2015 Persons close to the situation report that a dimensionless number that was just spoken aloud by area woman Christina Wilkins is, indeed, hilarious. The figure was uttered…
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Final Exam more of a Beginning, says Asshole Professor
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 9, 2013 “Don’t think of it as a final,” were Professor Walt Neilson’s first words to his class Tuesday morning. “The term ‘final’ characterizes tomorrow’s exam as some kind…
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Columbian Exposition Artifacts the Obama Center Doesn’t Want You To Know About
By Ella Hester April 20, 2018 Historians are rejoicing while the Obamas are gasping in horror! As the Obama Presidential Center and Library gears up to break ground, archaeologists have found many relics…
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Handy Rationalizations for Not Filling Out a Work Order
By Jack Toole Oct. 13, 2016 Winter, the season of indiscriminate central heating, is almost upon us. A stuck window can make this unfortunate period immeasurably worse, heating your room to within a…
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For First Time, More Graduates Expected to Cry at Graduation than Parents
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to a study newly released study from by the Polsky Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation at the University of Chicago, the bulk of the crying at…
